Many baseball experts will break a series down sabermetrically. But only one World Series preview will do it alphabetically.
Here's your A-to-Z guide for the Mets-Royals 2015 World Series:
Fun reminder: The World Series is opening in Kansas City not because the Royals had more wins than the Mets this year, but because Angels outfielder Mike Trout had a good game in Cincinnati in mid-July.
Come on, Mets. After this season there are only 20 more opportunities to get Bobby Bo another World Series ring. This could be your last, best opportunity. Bonilla doesn't just want to do nothing and cash huge checks. He wants to do nothing and cash huge checks from a champion.
The Royals have a Colon on their roster. It's Christian. But only the Mets' Colon makes you believe God loves you and wants you to be happy.
The Royals won their only World Series in 1985 in no small part due to Don Denkinger blowing a call. The Mets won their last World Series in 1986 in no small part due to Bill Buckner blowing an easy grounder. BOTH OF THESE TEAMS ARE LUCKY (outside of not winning anything in a very long time)!
The Mets enter the World Series with a 2.81 postseason ERA, while the Royals have put up a 4.41 team ERA. How did Kansas City even make it this far? I bet Toronto actually beat them in the ALCS, but was too polite to send the Royals home. YOUR GOOD MANNERS MAKE YOU WEAK, CANADA.
I'm a Pirates fan. They won 98 games and essentially were eliminated from the postseason in half an inning. So I'll be watching the World Series on FOX with my best Pete Rose face.
There are between four and seven games left in the 2015 MLB season. And then the Giants can get started on their next even-number championship team.
Scott Boras is in a tough position. If Matt Harvey pitches well in a World Series, his client becomes exponentially more marketable. On the other hand, his arm could come off. I'm kind of hoping that, in all the stress, Boras turns to alcohol and wanders out during a game like Dennis Hopper in "Hoosiers," demanding that the Mets take Harvey off the mound.
I wonder if Bernie Madoff will get to watch any of this Series in his federal penitentiary's sports bar. "Guys, I help build this team! Had I not lost all their money, they never would have been forced to rebuild with young, cheap players!" "Quiet down, Madoff! And no watching baseball! The bat flips anger the older inmates!"
Joe Buck will be calling the World Series again this year. If this fact bothers you, there's a petition you can sign:
That's not where the Royals are from, no matter what our geographically-challenged neighbors from the ... is it west? ... say.
The Mets were introduced in 1962 with their interlocking N and Y logo. The Royals came along in 1969 with their K-connected-to-a-C logo. That "Mad Men" show that all the important people watched sure was right. The '60s was a time of bold design and creativity.
Look at this Royals freak mascot Sluggerrr (yes, with three R's with the head deformities. Of course, Mr. Met is no less of a freak. But at least Mr. Met was able to find love and start a family. Sluggerrr will die alone, unloved foreverrr.
Men named Dick, Bucky, Miller, Ralph, Bruce, Cito and Sparky have all managed teams to World Series titles. But never a man named Ned. Do it for all the Neds, Ned Yost. Do it for all the Neds.
Unstoppable home run-hitting force Daniel Murphy is a free agent after the World Series is over and is set to cash in. But he likely will not. He will likely play for the league minimum. Because while the Bible isn't all that clear on homosexuality, it's very clear that greed and wealth leads to problems. Murphy's power has been consistent through the playoffs, so he's likely just as consistent in his personal beliefs, as well. No to the homosexual lifestyle. No to the wealth consumption lifestyle.
Boy, that New York pizza vs. Chicago pizza debate during the NLCS sure was compelling! Let's get that going again for the World Series! Do you think Kansas City barbecue is better or New York barbecue. Personally, I'm a New York barbecue fan. (New York barbecue is also pizza.)
If you had real questions about this World Series and are finding this column woefully lacking in providing answers, you have accurately captured this column. For a real World Series preview, try this one from Katie Sharp. With that out of the way, let's move onto the most important name in the World Series ...
Imagine if you took the James Bond film series and kept every movie exactly the same -- same dialogue, same shots -- only you changed the name of 007 to "Rusty Kuntz." "Kuntz. Rusty Kuntz." I submit it would be a very different series. Fun thought experiment! Even better baseball #analysis.
Anyway, Kuntz is KC's first base coach. Realize that we're probably going to see a shot on FOX in the coming days of DUDA beside KUNTZ. What a special moment in baseball history it will be.
Matt Harvey is nicknamed "The Dark Knight." I'm sorry, but superheroes aren't supposed to take four days off after a day of work, and they surely never put themselves on a crime-fighting limit. I guess that's just America today. Even our superheroes want it to be easy. #smh
In a sport forever tied to PEDs, the illegal substance most associated with the Royals is pine tar thanks to George Brett. And the illegal substance most associated with the Mets is cocaine thanks to the 1980s. Maybe Netflix will produce a series about the pine tar wars of the '80s.
Our players allowed to celebrate doing well during the championship round? Are they allowed to celebrate if they win? I mean, what's one title when some teams have won two?
Edison Volquez is starting Game 1 of the World Series. Johnny Cueto is starting Game 3. It's impressive to see the 2010 Cincinnati Reds make it all the way to the World Series after their 3-0 Divisional Round deficit to the Phillies.
Part of the lore of the 2015 Mets is the tale of Wilmer Flores crying on the field on the night of July 30 when he got wind of rumors that he was being traded to Milwaukee. Flores stayed, the Mets went on a tear and the rest is history. The Queens borough tourism board needs to seize on this moment while it's still fresh in everyone' s mind and unveil a new slogan. "Queens: It's At Least Better Than Milwaukee."
Hey, uhh ... remember when Xavier Nady was on the Mets? That was neat. Okay, let's move on.
It's unlikely the Mets re-sign Yoenis Cespedes after the season, but when it comes to this season, at least they'll have Cespedes for the rest of this. (Don't groan. That's not a bad joke. See below! See? Great joke!)
The TV ratings for this World Series aren't going to be good. Game 1 will go up against the tip of the NBA season. Game 4 will face college football and Game 5 will get drubbed by the NFL. People who dislike baseball will laugh and say: "Baseball is dumb and not relevant!" Many baseball fans will angrily respond: "Baseball is very strong and gets great attendance and how dare you! You have terrible taste in things!" It can be argued that baseball is boring, but it can't be argued that there is anything more tired than this annual argument over World Series ratings. Watch what you like. If you don't like baseball, don't watch it. And if you like baseball, hey, watch it! But why fight about it? Who cares what other people choose to do with their free time? Right, Daniel Murphy?