Introducing: The Cauldron's official 2015 NFL recipe book!
Forget all that lily-livered crap about chilly nights and dead leaves. This isn’t a Skidmore College course on Emily Dickinson. This is football. In “AMERICA”. The only “chilly” we care about has nine meats, two I's, and creates a crockpot crust so jagged you can scrape it off and use it as a shiv.
Sundays are all about the three CHas: church, chain crews, chicken wings, and cheese. OK, so four CHas. We’re here to talk about the wings-and-cheese part. Specifically, The Cauldron’s 2015 NFL Recipe Book.
So, what does that mean, exactly? Well, picture Guy Fieri's and J.J. Watt's sperm-bank donations simultaneously impregnating a surrogate beauty queen, their chromosomes fusing together into a single super-manly food fetus that grew up to write a cookbook. If you're any kind of American, you will print these recipes, follow them to a tee, and plunge the results into your stomach like they’re the last things you’ll ever taste.
(Looking for vegan or gluten-free alternatives instead? No problem. Simply print out any of the recipes, run them through your paper-shredder, cover the scraps in Goddess dressing, and enjoy!)
What you’ll need:
• Two 24-oz cans Manwich
• Two 24-oz cans nacho cheese sauce (check your local carnival surplus store)
• One 16-oz box corn starch
• One 6-oz bottle Diablo Dave’s Ghastly Ghost Pepper Seizure Sauce
• Two packs Oscar Meyer Lil’ Smokies for dipping (or, if you’re Carroll, wearing as indoor slippers)
Combine Manwich and cheese sauce in a medium saucepan (a half-clean paint can will do in a pinch) over medium-low heat. Bring mixture to a light simmer. Add the entire box of cornstarch. When consistency approximates microwaved Play-Doh, remove from heat. Add hot sauce to taste. (A dash will do. Unless your coach is Pete Carroll, in which case, add the entire bottle of Diablo Dave’s; glass and trademark human finger-bone stopper included). Mash the smokies into the dip until a fine meatpaste is formed.
Choke repeatedly and enjoy.
Chip Kelly’s “Anyone Else Think There’s Something Wrong With These?” Empanadas
What you’ll need:
• One bag Wonder Bread (The whitest you can find. The checkout aisle at Tractor Supply Co. is a good bet.)
• Two pounds ground turkey
• One package Kraft American Singles (white)
• Three large white potatoes
• Two large onions (white)
• 16 oz canola oil
• 1/64 tsp black pepper
Throw away the black pepper. Who the hell needs that, anyway?
In a medium pot, bring four quarts of water to a boil. Use refrigerator hinge to cube the potatoes. Add to pot and cook until the water has disappeared and the potatoes have turned to dust. In a medium-sized sauce pan, heat two tablespoons of oil to medium high. Throw the onions as hard as you can on the floor until they yield silver-dollar-sized mash-chunks. Add onion chunks to oil. Use a hammer to bludgeon the onions in the pan, avoiding the flying pools of scalding hot oil. Cook until tender.
Add two pounds ground turkey and seasoning to taste, cooking mixture until Tony Siragusa pounds on your front door yelling “I SMELL FLESH!!!” Lock the meat and onions in a safe and call the police.
Fill large skillet with approximately three inches of oil and bring to 500 degrees. Use table saw to remove crusts from bread (sell remaining scraps to neighborhood children). Place baseball-sized mixture of onion, meat and potatoes into center of each piece of bread, draping two slices of American cheese over the top. Fold the bread over the mixture and seal shut with a stapler. Once oil begins to smoke violently, add three empanadas, using fire extinguisher to expel any flames. Once empanadas have exploded, remove scattered mass using small fishing net. Repeat in batches until all empanadas are cooked.
Serve with mayonnaise.
Tim Tebow’s Holy Guacamole
What you’ll need:
• Six ripe avocados, preferably harvested by a genuine God-fearing migrant worker
• 1/3 cup lime juice
• 1/3 cup cilantro (finely chopped)
• 3 tbsp garlic (finely chopped)
• Two small tomatoes, diced
• ½ tbsp salt
• 1 tsp black pepper
Find sharpest wood shard left over from that time you smashed your Heisman Trophy on the shower wall, and use it to cut three avocados in half, lengthwise. After removing the pits, scrape avocado pulp into the bowl. Finger the rosary. Add remaining ingredients, and mash together using base of a thurible. If guacamole needs more salt, add two tablespoons penance tears.
Serve in gilt-plated alms dish with your favorite chips or communion wafe...
...Stop. What are you doing? You…you blasphemer! You vile, ungrateful, impetuous, Christ-forsaking, duo-thread-bearing blasphemer! You deign to serve the Lord’s bounty without acknowledging his grace? Shaaaaaame! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame! Repent, you dalcop! Remove your shirt…you’re already shirtless... Fine. Now grab your gator-toothed flagellation whip, and lash your impossibly muscular back! Lash, lash, then lash again! BLASPHEMER!
Now leave the guacamole on the table for your guests—DON’T LOOK AT IT!
BLASPHEMER! Hit the gym…practice your revamped throwing motion.
Roger Goodell’s 7-Layers-of-Hell Dip
What you’ll need:
• 8-oz sour cream left out in the sun for three weeks
• One pound black beans (dried, uncooked, small pebbles left unremoved)
• One 16-oz can of chopped tomatoes—run over with a F-350, its splattered remains scraped off the driveway
• One 16-oz can sliced black olives commandeered from kitchen of nearest abandoned elementary school (unopened)
• One block vegan cheese
• Two cups Tim Tebow’s Holy Guacamole®
• One pound packaged greyish beef discovered behind a pile of black lettuce sludge in your great grandmother’s salad crisper (She insists it’s fine. Everything's fine. That spider's nest in the Lorna Doone box is fine. Just eat it. You wouldn't have lasted a week past Black Tuesday, son.)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all ingredients without any regards for texture, consistency, or aesthetics. This is your dish, after all—your domain. You can do whatever you damn well please. Want to put the block of rotten raw beef right in the middle of the dip, guaranteeing it will infect everything it touches with previously unseen bowel-melting bacteria? Go to town!
Prefer using “self-clean mode,” and just guessing when the oven will unlock again? Have at it! You are the king of the kitchen; czar of the stovetop; lord of the ... lawsuit waiting to happen. No matter! Just shovel that slop in the big metal box and take it out when you start to see smoke.
Congratulations! You took a beautiful thing—a perfect, graceful medley of ingredients that no one, no matter how violently buffoonish or culinarily inept, could ever possibly destroy—and, yep, that’s right: TOTALLY DESTROYED IT.
(Photoshopped images by Joshua Barker)