Wednesday September 16th, 2015

Donald Trump has opinions on lots of things. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know he loves winners, Tom Brady and America (in that order). We went back and found some old tweets where Mr. Trump talked sports, and guessed what he'd probably say if asked about those sentiments today. 


This is a national travesty, if we’re being honest. And that’s all I do: I eat, sleep and have sex with honesty, so you know I’m telling the truth.

Tim is a God-fearing Christian and it’s clear that people are holding that against him. The media elites cannot stand God. THEY HATE HIS GUTS! Probably because he didn’t go to one of their Bernie Sanders-themed cocktails parties. Have you seen that guy Teddy Bridgewater for the Vikings? He STINKS! He couldn’t hit Rosie O’Donnell if she was running a 5-yard slant pattern, that’s how bad he is! Although Rosie would probably be a d-tackle because of her girth. 

But where is Tim? He’s sitting in a magnificently fitting suit on an ESPN set somewhere. ESPN, who by the way are good friends of mine, is very, very lucky to have him. One piece of advice I’d give Tim is start throwing with your right hand. Being a lefty is for losers like President Hussein down in D.C.. That pitcher Jim Abbott gets a pass in my book for obvious reasons, but you know it’s gotta kill him to have to use his left hand so much. 


Well look, it’s clear that I was 100% right here.

The teams that passed on Johnny are probably in an alley looking to score some dope because they’re living in a land of regret. They’re like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Basketball Diaries, just banished to the wrong side of the door yelling for mom to let them in. Speaking of good boys, I feel bad for anyone not on the Manziel Train because WOW! 

This kid, and believe me, I know, because we’re pretty good friends, this kid has an “it” factor. He enters a room and people take notice. Kind of the exact opposite of that walking jellyfish Jeb Bush. Just a real lifeless creature that Bush guy; kind of like Rainman without the Blackjack skills.

Johnny Football (great name, btw) is like a space shuttle, every day he is soaring higher and higher. Of course, he isn’t like the shuttle that breaks in that Tom Hanks movie, that’d once again be Jeb Bush. And he’d say “Daddy ... we have a problem.” In fact, someone should write that film, I’ll even pay for it because I’m so rich. We can call it “Jeb Bush Is A Big Fat Loser: Apollo 13”. 


Tom is a dear friend and definitely not a loser. In fact, he's never been a loser in his life, unlike Roger Goodell, who probably wakes up in his nerd bed with his nerd calculator and just reeks of loser-dom. The thing I loved about Tom putting an absolute beating, and I mean that sincerely, an absolute beating on the Steelers in Week 1 is how magnificent he looked. Anybody can throw a few touchdowns and look like a slob like Andrew Luck.

But not Tom, guy looked like a GRADE A model. And not one of those watch models. Hell, you can get hit by a semi-tractor trailer and still be a watch model. I know because some ugly ducking I went to prep school with once did a Rolex print ad and he looks like he went for a swim in a fresh oil spill. 

Back to Tom, though. I'm not gay, of course, but I wouldn't mind sitting on his lap and talking about how dumb Goodell looks when he wakes up in the morning. Also, as you may have heard, Tom is wearing my MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat so you know he’s an even bigger winner! By the way, Roethlisberger played well, and while I typically don’t like to compliment losers, Big Ben is a great, No. 1 nickname.

I don’t particularly like the name King James, except for when it’s on my Bible, which I totally read every night and definitely know every word to. But I LOVE LeBron. This guy could stop a truck with his bare hands. Probably not a truck made in the USA, but ever since that socialist Obama took office, all the trucks have been made in China, anyway. LeBron could definitely stop a Chinese truck! 

I remember the shot I was tweeting about here vividly because I have a photographic memory, which means I am the only candidate capable of being a great leader and recalling the titles of every single late-night flick I’ve ever watched on Cinemax.

Whenever I see LeBron, we give each other daps because I’m part of his La Familia. Obviously, I don’t condone using ethnic phrases over proper American ones, but I’ll make an exception here. 


The Manning clan is a great bunch. I know in the P.C. culture we live in, you’re not allowed to say that you like a clan, but I know for a fact it’s O.K. if you don’t spell it with a K.

I love this family; from Archie to Peyton all the way down to that brother who sits on the porch during the Thanksgiving family football game. But I love Eli the most. He was born with a clutch gene! Sure, he struggled against the Cowboys in Week 1, but it's like when you're a great golfer like me: The lower the score, the better, but who doesn’t slip up every now and then?

Other than me, of course. The closest I ever came to making a mistake is when I took my good hair out on a high-speed cigarette boat. Bottom line: Eli is a champion who beat my best friend Tom Brady ... twice! No offense, Tom, but even you can admit when you’ve been beat (which hasn’t happened in a long, long time!). 

Floyd is undefeated just like America before the Communists took over eight years ago. This guy has it all. He’s quick, he punches with amazing efficiency and he is a capital-C Champion. By the way, let me just say that after I sent Floyd this tweet, he beat that Manny Ramirez fellow quite handily; it wasn’t even close. So you could say I’m a great luck charm!


Well, of course I didn’t tweet this one because I would never badmouth Tom.

This comes from that petite little man from Puerto Rico, Marco Rubio. See Marco is running for President and he needs some attention because nobody is talking about his enormous forehead. Wow, look at that thing! You know he can’t even walk near an airport because the sun bounces off his forehead and into the pilot’s eyes. That’s almost 100% true, I bet. 

Now what Marco doesn’t understand about Tom’s phone is there were probably a ton of nude pics on there, and why should Tom have to hand them over to Roger Stalin? Just because he said so?

I want to live in a country that is great, not a country that is not great. It seems like Marco wants to keep America stuck in the non-great land while I want to make America Great Again! I expect Marco to apologize sometime soon because he doesn’t have the backbone to stand by his (totally wrong and stupid and dumb) statements. 

As for Hillary, I’m more concerned with her Google searches than her emails because she's probably searched “Donald Trump Bathing Suit Pictures” thousands of times! 

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