Monday September 28th, 2015

Welcome to The Cauldron's NFL Red Carpet, where we show you the latest style choices from players, coaches and equipment managers. The action is usually found on the field, but right here is where the magic really happens. So, let's turn it over to the guys, who are standing by to get things underway!

Andy Dalton, Cincinnati Bengals

Here comes Bengals’ QB Andy Dalton, who has led Cincinnati to a red hot 3-0 start. Andy is going with the basic white button down shirt and tie. If the football thing doesn’t work out, he can always start up an accounting firm.

Andy! Andy! Love your tie.

Dalton: Oh this old thing?

Great game, but are you worried people may confuse you for a detective that most certainly does not play by his own rules?

Dalton: I’m not sure I understand the question.

All I’m saying is that you look like you just finished going door to door on your bike, selling steak knives.

Dalton: Are you making fun of my shirt?

Of course not.

[Long pause]

Dalton: I guess I could give you a deal on a blade so sharp it cuts a Coke can in half! Let me grab my demonstration table, I’ll be right back!

[Dalton runs off the podium.]

Tom Brady, New England Patriots

Here comes another QB who has his team at 3–0 and in first place in their division, Tom Brady. Brady is wearing what appears to be a very comfortable sweater. Is that a cardigan? Oh, as he is getting closer, I can see it now. It’s this year’s “Happy But Slightly Worried Mom At Thanksgiving”-style. Having someone like Brady get this out there will really help.

Brady: Hey, guys. I can honestly say I’m very comfortable.

Wow, Tom, looking great! Is this an Ann Taylor original?

Brady: You know it!

Fall in New England is a great time to wear a shirt like that. What’s on the docket for tomorrow?

Brady: For me, it’s really only one Ann Taylor at a time, and today I’m just focused on wearing this one the best I can. Hey, you guys should talk to Dev.

[Brady walks away and Patriots safety Devin McCourty takes the stage.]

Devin McCourty, New England Patriots

Wow, what a treat! Devin we were not expecting you so soon and what a shirt you’re wearing. Is that the solar system?

McCourty: I love space and I love t-shirts, so I was like, hey why not combine them?

It shows off your wonderfully robust chest. Can I say robust? I just did! Whoops!

McCourty: No worries.

Can I touch your chest? I mean, I’ll use the back of my hand so it’s not creepy.

McCourty: Pretty sure it’s still creepy.

AHA! You kill me, Dev. Can I call you Dev? Because Tom just did and we are pretty much best frie—

McCourty:: I’m just happy to be 3–0 with a bye week coming up. Thanks for taking time to chat.

Do you have any plans for the bye week? Do you wanna like chill or naw?

McCourty: Thank you.

[McCourty walks away.]

Wow, great stuff from Devin McCourty there. I’ll get some more info next weekend when we’re hanging out at a sweet party. Here comes Blake Bortles. Despite a blowout loss to the Patriots, Blake is looking fresh! Wow what a suit!

Blake Bortles, Jacksonville Jaguars

Blake! Blake! Over here! You look amazing!

Bortles: Thank you very much.

You have a bit of an edge to you. You look like you could be the manager who sneaks into the ring of a Monday Night Raw match and hits the opposing wrestler with a chair.

Bortles: That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I mean it! Don’t get me wrong; there is plenty of class in that suit. Especially with the pocket square.

Bortles: The look I was going for was the guy who spends a lot of time at the strip club but treats all the dancers with the utmost respect. Like, I’ll knock some boots if I have to, but I’d be down for some heartfelt love, you know?

That is really coming across!

Bortles: I’m off. Wish me luck. Heard there’s a new joint down the street where lap dances are half off if you order the ribeye.

[Bortles tightens his tie and walks off.]

Sam Bradford, Philadelphia Eagles

Now we are getting word that the Eagles' quarterback is on his way to the NFL Red Carpet, but let us just warn you, we are hearing rumors about his appearance. Some are saying he looks like a JV Girls Softball coach, while others are saying he is dressed in what can only be described as “Pool boy chic.”

Here he comes now and, oh my, the rumors are true. He looks like the cheating boyfriend in a Lifetime original movie.

Sam! Sam! Why did you do it?

Bradford: Do what?

Is that a T-shirt from an airport gift shop?

Bradford: You know I’m just trying to dress comfortable from now on.

Do you have L.A. Looks gel in your hair?

Bradford: Why, yes I do. I have a deal where they send it to me for free as long as I mention how great it is.

[Bradford looks in to the camera]

Don’t you hate it when your hair doesn’t do what you want it to? I know I do! Well not anymore because L.A. Looks is here to help!

Are you worried someone will go missing and they will blame you because of your appearance?

Bradford: I really can’t answer that right now. Have a good one.

[Bradford walks away just as Raiders quarterback Derek Carr enters.]

Derek Carr, Oakland Raiders

Carr: Anybody order some room service!?!

[Carr fist pumps because he crushed that opening line.]

Derek, you are really growing up in front of our eyes.

Carr: I appreciate that. You like my jacket?

You’re absolutely right we do! It goes with your shirt wonderfully.

Carr: When I was getting dressed I really wanted to give off a look that says, “Jack Sparrow is going to the Catalina Wine Mixer.”

Yes! You nailed it.

Carr: Can I let you in on a little secret?

Of course, we won’t tell.

[Carr fist pumps. He loves that joke!]

Carr: I’ve been doing some magic in my spare time.


[Carr pulls a King of Hearts playing card from his jacket pocket]

Carr: Is this your card?

[Carr throws the card in the air and walks away]

Wow, Derek is electric, and who doesn’t love some good old-fashioned magic? I think technically we’re supposed to pick a card first, but I have a feeling he probably nailed it!

Teddy Bridgewater, Minnesota Vikings

Teddy Bridgewater! Looking good, man!

Bridgewater: I feel good. Great team win today.

That jacket is a whole bunch of fire emojis, as my nephew Darren would say.

Bridgewater: It’s a great jacket. And speaking of fire, this jacket is fireproof. I can run into a burning building wearing this, and nothing bad will happen.

Stylish and practical. Tell us a bit about your shirt. A nice two-button Polo.

Bridgewater: Each button represents a win. Right now we’re 2–1 so I’m wearing 2 buttons. Hopefully we get to 14–2 and I’ll have buttons all over my body.

Button-fly jeans?

Bridgewater: I’m not a fan, because it takes too long at the urinal, but I’m a superstitious guy, so if I have to do it, I will. Plus, it’s not like a zipper fly is a walk in the park, you know? All it takes is one mistake.

I’m more of a mesh shorts kind of guy. Tough to screw that one up.

Bridgewater: Unless you’re holding your keys in your hand and then, one mistake ...

O.K., Teddy! Thanks a lot, man. Congrats on today’s victory.

[Falcons Quarterback Matt Ryan approaches.]

Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons

Ryan: The iceman is here.

Matt, great look! Reminds me of a concerned parent in a movie about mercury levels in the local school’s drinking water.

Ryan: Well, I don’t know about all that, but what a great win for our team today.

Loving the hair. How do you get it to stay over like that?

Ryan: Glad you asked. Let me tell you about a little thing that saved my life called L.A. Looks.

Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers


Oh look, there’s Panthers quarterback Cam Newton! He’s wearing a blue camo jacket and an exquisite bow tie.

Newton: Oh, you see me? I was trying to blend in.

We’re glad we do. You look delightful!

Newton: Did you know this jacket is one of those stereograms?

Wow, no way!

Newton: It’s true. Just unfocus your eyes and you’ll see.

I see a large wooden ship! And a man with a dog.

Newton: And?

And a woman roller blading!

Newton: Yes!

Wow, Cam, you really do have the coolest jacket ever.

Newton: Check this out. Scratch my arm.

[Scratches jacket sleeve.]

Newton: Now smell it.

It smells like blueberries!

Newton: Scratch and sniff baby.

Wow, Cam Newton, everyone!

Our last guest is pulling up now. It’s Dolphins defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh.

Ndamukong Suh, Miami Dolphins


Here he is, and let’s just say he looks ... different. Actually, we’re not sure what is happening. Unless Suh took a page from that Chris Rock movie nobody saw where he turns into an old, rich, white man, we think we have an imposter on our hands.

Who are you and what have you done with Ndamukong!?!

Warren Buffett: It’s me, Warren Buffett.

Hello, Mr. Buffett. We’re not used to seeing you outside the Illuminati meetings. What brings you here today?

Buffett: I just love Ndamukong Suh!

Right, but why are you wearing full pads?

Buffett: Hey, I’ve been waiting all day for Sunday night!

That doesn’t really answer my question.

Buffett: O.K., time to hit the road, Jack!

[Buffett puts on a helmet and sprints into the distance]

Buffett: I am Ndamukong Suh!

That will do it from this week’s NFL Red Carpet. Thanks for joining us and hope to see you next week!

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