Monday October 5th, 2015

Welcome back to the NFL Red Carpet, Week 4 edition. We had an exciting weekend that featured a game in London (that’s in England!), coaches already on the hot seat, and kickers apparently banding together to see how many times they can shank a kick before they get cut.

But on the NFL Red Carpet, it’s all about fashion. What is everyone wearing? For more, let’s throw it down to the guys who are waiting on the first arrival.

Here comes Panthers quarterback Cam Newton. Cam led his team to a 37–23 win over Tampa Bay and has Carolina at 4–0. And, wow, does he look like it. Cam’s coming in hot with a bow tie/jacket combo that screams “classy Carnival Cruise line captain!”

Cam! Cam! Love your jacket.

Newton: It’s a multipurpose jacket. It looks good, and it also lets everyone know I’m here to work, you know?

And work you did! 4–0 has to feel good.

Newton: I don’t break out a pocket square unless I’m feeling good. Although Ed Hochuli told me I wasn’t old enough to wear one.

Bruce Arians of the Arizona Cardinals appears on the NFL's Week 4 fashion red carpet.

Walking in right now is head coach of the Arizona Cardinals, Bruce Arians. The Cardinals just lost their first game of the season in a tight one to the St. Louis Rams.

We’re loving his choice of clothes, but if movies taught us anything, it’s:

1. The killer is already in the house and

2. Never mess with a guy wearing a scally cap.

Bruce! Nice cap man.

Arians: Are you being sarcastic?

No way. We love it!

Arians: Well, thank you then.

We don’t joke around when it comes to guys who look like they shake down people for college football gambling debts in their spare time.

[Arians stares straight ahead.]

But, really, the vibe you’re giving off is great! It’s like, “mob boss who got out of the game to spend more time with his family, but has recently starting showing up at the racetrack again, and, hey, who knows, this guy might be back!”

Arians: Yeah, I’m done here.

[Arians walks away.]

Kirk! Kirk!

Cousins: You rang?

Great win today, and great maroon suit!

Cousins: A wise man once told me you’d be a maroon not to wear a color this pretty.

Hm …

Cousins: Did you see what I did there? With the word maroon and moron?

You guys are 2–2 now. Does winning give you the confidence to dress in a suit like that?

Cousins: Oh, you bet. When you’re losing, if you wear a suit like this, everybody just calls you an a--. But if you win, then you are cool and confident.

[Fan yelling from the back: “You’re still an a-- in my book!”]

[Cousins runs away]

Now quarterback Matt Hasselbeck is walking in, but I think he is looking for the locker room because he is still in his game gear. He could be delirious from helping the Colts move back to 2–2 after an overtime win against the Jags.

Matt, are you lost!?

Hasselbeck: Nope. I just refuse to get out of my game clothes. Never know when I’ll get another chance like this. After all, I am 40.

Great eye black. Does it keep the sun out of your eyes?

Hasselbeck: Well, we play in a dome, so the roof does that, but it sure looks good doesn’t it?

You bet.

Hasselbeck: It’s like a sunroof in your car. You don’t really need one, but it’s fun as hell to stick your hand out and pretend to high-five the wind.

Thanks, Matt.

Hasselbeck: Oh I’m not done. I’ll stay here all night. Do you want to talk about anything else? How about my hat?

No, that’s O.K.

Next up is Jay Cutler, who was 28–43 passing for 281 yards in a win over the Oakland Raiders. Cutler is so happy, we think he may have just shown his teeth. Was that a smile? Did anyone else see that?

Jay, great win. Is that the jacket from Terminator 2?

Cutler: I wish. I’ll be back!

Where are you going?

Cutler: Oh, no, I was just doing the Terminator voice.

First win of the season, we’ll let that one slide.

Cutler: Appreciate it.

Between that jacket and the today’s victory, this is a good day for you.

Cutler: Any time you can get a win over the Raiders, you gotta be feeling good. And I feel goooooood.

Jay, one more question …

Cutler: O.K., I don’t feel that good.

Giants running back Rashad Jennings is strolling by. New York improved to 2–2 after a win against Rex Ryan and the Buffalo Bills, which were penalized 17 times. That’s a bit shocking for a Rex Ryan-coached team, and by shocking, we of course mean, “exactly what you’d expect.”

Jennings: You guys like my shirt? It doubles as a tablecloth for informal dining events.

Oh, that makes sense. It says “you can trust our food, but you don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for it.”

Jennings: Exactly! Finally, somebody gets it. So what do you say?

About what?

Jennings: Investing in my restaurant. I was going to call it “Eats and More Eats,” but “Arm and a Leg” sounds much better. I only need $100,000 to get going.

We’re in!

Phil! Phil!

Rivers: It’s good to get a win, and it’s good to be 2–2.

Tell us about your shirt. Is that a Kirkland?

Rivers: I’ll never tell, but let’s just say I got it at a place that starts with Cost and ends with Co.

Oh, we knew it. You’re really pulling it off, and you can’t beat those prices.

Rivers: I know some people like to come out here and look all flashy, but when you’re responsible for feeding 44 children, it’s all about being economical.

A great QB, and very smart!

Rivers: Thanks guys. Hope to see you again next week. I got a whole drawer full of K-Land shirts ready to unleash on the world.

Tyrod Taylor is in front of the mic, and it appears he is doing a Sister Act 2 impression. Maybe playing for Rex Ryan is making him appeal directly to the Lord.

Tyrod, tell us about your wardrobe!

Taylor: Just something I threw together.

Is this because of the Pope’s visit?

Taylor: No, it’s more of a comfort thing.

What is that undershirt? It almost looks like a pair of corduroy pants.

Taylor: I just thought if I wore this, everyone would say I have style. I don’t really have any answers. In fact, this top button is killing me. But I’m going to do what coach told me: When I don’t have anything to say, talk smack about the Patriots.

But we’re not asking about …

Taylor: Just looking forward to getting some revenge on New England. Next time we play, we’ll be ready, and probably win by 20 points.

Matt Ryan is now joining us. His nickname is, of course, ‘Matty Ice’ because he is always filling up the ice trays in the locker room. That’s what you would call a team player. Also, he has the Falcons at a cool 4–0 after putting a 48–21 beatdown on the Houston Texans.

Matt! Great sweater. Are you thinking about applying to prep school after the season?

Ryan: You never know when you may be needed on a boat or asked to run for student body president, so I always want to be ready.

That is great advice. Also, love the open collar under the sweater, as well.

Ryan: Open collar for my real friends. Closed shop for my sham ones. I love Fallout Boy ... like really hard, man.

Your hair has been on point this season. Are you putting anything extra in it?

Ryan: A mixture of hair spray, sweat and Gatorade. I call it, Hairsweatade.

How about calling it an Arm and a Leg?

Ryan: Oh no, Rashad got to you, too? I’m out.

But wait, you should see the tablecloths!

Thanks for joining us for NFL Red Carpet Week 4 edition. Hope to see everyone next week!

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