You know those Saturdays when you have been sitting on the couch for so long you forget the last time you stood up, and your eyes are hurting and, you don't know why, but you realize it's because you've been staring so intently that your eye muscles (Those are things, I swear. My best friend Sam is in med school) are all tired out? This is going to be one of those Saturdays.
You either absentmindedly eat an entire bag of chips or you forget to eat entirely. You want to get up to get another drink of water, but you don't because someone just scored another touchdown, and oh my god this game is a one-score game, and they just recovered the onside kick.
Week 6 of the 2014 college football season is what we live for. Embrace it and enjoy it under the knowledge we have even better weeks than this to come. Hopefully you have a second television or you own a sports bar; otherwise, you're going to need some extra careful channel surfing to make the most of it.
This is Your Perfect Saturday.
The early slate
Noon: No. 6 Texas A&M at No. 12 Mississippi State (ESPN)
Now this is what I'm talking about. No more boring peanuts or chips and salsa (Okay, I take that back. Chips and salsa before your real meal is still the best idea ever. Why doesn't every restaurant do this) before the main course. We deserve this. Every noon slate should have a game this good. Can Mississippi State keep rolling with its talented front seven and Dak Prescott? Can Kenny Hill and the Aggies run in and out of Starkville with sirens and Flexbombs? We don't have to wait long to find out.
Noon: No. 20 Ohio State at Maryland (ABC)
This one has all kinds of sneaky fun potential. Ohio State just came off a game in which it had more than 700 yards, and Maryland has Stefon Diggs. Watch it if you need a break from all the SECness.
Second screen specials
These are games that are tailor-made for your tablet, extra laptop, giant phone or any other device you use to stream things. Go crazy.
Noon: Florida at Tennessee (SEC Network)
Tune in to see if Tennessee's offensive line version of Nickelodeon's Rugrats can hold up against a Gators team that is one loss away from potentially spiraling out of control.
12:30 p.m.: Virginia Tech at North Carolina (WatchESPN)
Both these teams lost to East Carolina but in very different ways. Both these teams are reeling after having such high hopes a couple weeks ago. Both these teams need a conference win in the worst way to keep pace in the Coastal division. Something's got to give.
Dog day afternoon
3:30 p.m.: No. 3 Alabama at No. 11 Ole Miss (CBS)
It's perfect that Gary and Verne are doing this game. While I appreciate and admire other broadcast teams, a game of this magnitude in the SEC just wouldn't feel right being called by anyone else. The Ole Miss defense has speed and strength all over, but it will be tested greatly against a new-look Lane Kiffin offense that has a capable driver in Blake Sims. And as for Bo Wallace, if there was ever a time for Good Bo to come out and play the hero, it's now.
3:30 p.m.: No. 14 Stanford at No. 9 Notre Dame (NBC)
The Irish haven't had a big test yet. This is it. Stanford's defense has played like one of the best in the nation through the first five weeks and will look to force Everett Golson into making mistakes and being generally uncomfortable all afternoon. Even if that works, the Cardinal still have the matter of putting the ball in the end zone, something they've struggled with mightily so far this season. Stanford ranks 118th in red zone offense this year.
3:30 p.m.: No. 4 Oklahoma at No. 25 TCU (Fox)
Remember what I was saying about having an extra television? This is why. Remotes don't have a "last two" channel button yet, so you'll just have to memorize your local Fox station if you haven't already. Those darned millennials with their channel guides and HD channels. In my day Fox was on Channel 8. I don't want to have to "Uber" or "Facebook" the football game I want to watch. Heavens to Betsy.
Second screen specials
3:30 p.m.: No. 7 Baylor at Texas (ABC)
One of these games Charlie Strong's Texas team is going to come out and blow right past a higher ranked opponent, leading us to see the potential that the Longhorns have. Then Texas will revert back to a lack of depth and the struggles that come with transitioning to a new regime, leading us to wonder if what we just witnessed was a dream. It's like the football version of Awakenings.
3:30 p.m.: North Carolina State at Clemson (ESPNU)
Coming into this season you probably didn't think Jacoby Brissett and Deshaun Watson would be two of the most exciting quarterbacks in college football. And even if you did think that, you obviously didn't yell it loud enough for all of us to hear, and didn't your mother tell you not to gloat?
7 p.m.: No. 15 LSU at No. 5 Auburn (ESPN)
We're either witnessing the rise of LSU true freshman quarterback Brandon Harris, or Auburn is in for a blowout win over the Tigers. LSU was the last team to beat Auburn in the regular season, downing Gus Malzahn's squad 35-21 in Death Valley last season. Whenever you have the one mascot facing the same mascot, it's a special and noteworthy day.
8 p.m.: No. 19 Nebraska at No. 10 Michigan State (ABC)
You already know from reading Your Perfect Saturday every week that Ameer Abdullah and the Michigan State defense are must-watch each and every week. So you don't even need me to tell you to pay attention to this one.
Second screen specials
7:30 p.m.: Arizona State at No. 16 USC (Fox)
Now that's more like it, Pac-12. Putting this game at 7:30 on the East Coast is so great. We can all watch Arizona State and the Trojans square off without imagining ghosts in our homes at 2 a.m. while somehow a Hail Mary is happening on every play in the background.
7:30 p.m.: Miami at Georgia Tech (ESPN2)
The way the ACC Coastal goes each and every year, this could just wind up being the game that determines the division. Or at the very least it's a chance to see Duke Johnson and freshman quarterback Brad Kaaya square off against Justin Thomas and DeAndre Smelter.
Late night theater
10:30 p.m.: Utah at No. 8 UCLA (ESPN)
Circle this one if you're in the mood for weird late-night football.
Second screen special
10:30 p.m.: California at Washington State
There is potential here for 14 touchdown passes to be thrown. Don't tell me you have no interest in watching that.