A brass-stomached newsroom reacted with genuine horror this morning to the cavalcade of new uniforms presented by the Maryland Terrapins, most particularly an object that Terps head coach Randy Edsall tweeted. It is supposed to be a football helmet, patterned like the shell of (wait for it) a terrapin, and bedecked with a checkered stripe intended to hearken to the Maryland state flag. (But there won't be any names on the backs of the jerseys, because that would be too busy.)
There are three problems with this contraption. The first is that it is terrible.
The second is that it's trying to do too much. A shell-patterned helmet, done in the matte metallic manner of the Oregon Nike getups Under Armour is striving so valiantly to emulate, could look completely badass. But the stripe calls to mind a crash-test dummy, and the print looks like it could've come off some batiked muumuu on the rack at Fashion Bug. The third dilemma: Dream a little bigger, darlings! Nostalgia is in! Do you have any idea how many sidewalk alums Maryland could attract by just giving in to what are some very obvious Nintendo-related desires and going full Super Smash Bros with this getup? Red turtle-print helmets, overalls screened onto jerseys and pants and, just for kicks, terrycloth wristlets that shoot fireballs and tiny sledgehammers. Don't even act like Nike's never thought about this.