Designated Read: Take that, Time Warner
• FIOS with a flourish. The most fancypants of college sports networks will take up residence on the most fancypants of carriers, with the Longhorn Network inking a national distribution deal with Verizon. Haters of burnt orange, feel free to continue parsing the fun math at work here.
• So much for our parlor game. Remember when we were all going to have so much good fun guessing how many Miami football players might have to sit out the 2011 season opener? The 'Canes administration may be doubling the stakes by enabling interested degenerates to gamble on who'll be declared ineligible and then reinstated in time for the Maryland game.
• Nyah. The NCAA does not like Lane Kiffin, for reasons we can sort of begin to fathom, but is showing a surprising unwillingness to manufacture evidence against him that might lead to any sort of meaningful sanctions stemming from his time at Tennessee.
• Maybe next time we send out purple shake weights. And now for an object lesson in why it's best to wait for actual football to start before launching a dark horse Heisman campaign: Dan Persa has a teammate on his heels for the starting gig at Northwestern. Do not expect to see this development added to the PERSA STRONG page.
• OK, the guy in green could be anybody. Oregon State football shows up on a scratch lottery ticket, with a helmeted Beaver player staring down some guy in green whose helmet has no identifying details we can discern. Curious!
• Danny Sheridan is the prettiest girl at the fair. Teehee! You can look but don't you hump, fellas.
• Beaver down. Oregon State loses senior starting cornerback Brandon Hardin to shoulder surgery. Recovery time is likely at least six weeks.
• Chips too chippy. Two Central Michigan players will be benched for a combined total of three games, and school officials won't comment, clearly fearing espionage attempts from the South Carolina State camp.
• Righteously indignant lasers at the ready. Auburn has engineered a mechanical flying War Eagle. A note at the end of the post sparks an idea for bio-engineered superstrong Toomer's Oaks that can shake off their own toilet paper the morning after a victory and everything. It'd be great fun until the inevitable uprising. • Your Thursday daymare. Infinitely more terrifying is the specter of target="_blank">Donna Shalala with wings.