Monday August 29th, 2011

Yes, it's terribly messy. Now play on. All kinds of fancy folks are concerned with the continually widening exposure of the surely already-existent sludge pool of NCAA athletics and ill-gotten cash. But the only number you need concern yourselves with is three, which is how many days remain in this interminable, cursed offseason.

When they said "everybody's gonna want in," they didn't say how. As of this writing, 157 people have like-buttoned this charming Facebook campaign to get Northern Illinois into the Big 12 North. And who would accompany them with a concurrent entrance into the Big 12 South? Memphis! If YOU have not clicked YOUR like button, what are you waiting for? This is all an effort to replace a school that's not technically gone, but is  so very close to gone that it doesn't even matter.

The next response will come in the form of a puppet show. Danny Sheridan responds to the NCAA, according to Danny Sheridan, spokesman for Danny Sheridan Productions.

At first I read, "prepares for debt." UTSA's brand-new football team is ready for action, under the tutelage of some guy named "Larry Coker."

A Box, remembered. Oklahoma will wear memorial helmet decals in honor of Austin Box, and one defender each game will suit up in No. 12.

But those nonexistent viewers are the most coveted and royal imaginary audience in all of sport. Enjoy the remainder of August with the Longhorn Network broadcasting into the ether to the sound of one hand clapping.

Finally, some spice to the scandal. That's what the Miami thing was missing: Girlfriends racking up embezzlement charges!

"Process process process, process process process process." A precise transcription of Nick Saban's words concerning Duron Carter.

Everybody give him more attention than Seastrunk, just to see what happens. Baylor adds a Gonzaga hoopster to the football roster.

"The game also featured punts that traveled minus-one and minus-nine yards." Division II teams ball in a hurricane. • Miscellaneous whimsy: Barry Switzer in his natural habitat -- target="_blank">doing casino ads. ESPN's David Ubben is on board with my completely serious plan to broaden the geographic scope of major college football conferences. Bill Connelly wraps his 120-game preview series with a rainbow. Gene Chizik is already poormouthing Utah State. Lee Corso picks Georgia and LSU as division champs. Of course a sports agent taught a class at UNC. And you will be shocked to learn, as Glendale Rose Float Association President Garry Ackerman asserts, that this is not a real elephant.

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