"We tried to handle it on a local level . . . but unfortunately, it has not been a deterrent, for whatever reason," Capt. Tennant said.
In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that in all my years of gallivanting throughout Morgantown bedecked in old gold and blue, I have only actually seen about three couches on fire during postgame celebrations. One of them was still on a porch, and the occupants seemed unconcerned about its proximity to their house. One flamed forlornly on a hillside. And one was being towed down a street by a length of sturdy chain attached to a truck bumper. If you do not find that the slightest bit charming, I don't think we can be friends.
A few stray thoughts on Morgantown's late-breaking decision to make couch-burning a felony:
• There are couches remaining in Morgantown? Where?
• The above-linked article tells us that offenders of this type are usually white males of college age with high BAC contents. (Well, I NEVER.) If prison sentences are on the table for couch-burners, how fast will West Virginia become unable to fill its stadium for games?
• All this is really doing is dulling the cultural fit that would make WVU an ideal choice for conference expansion. The Mountaineers will never make it into the SEC at this rate, and that's too bad, because that's where they belong. Don't y'all want to be in a real conference? Show some spirit! The madmen of the SEC welcome your ways!
• Is this shoring up of legal penalties a tacit prediction of just how many victory fires the 'Eers will earn this season? Can you totally see Dana
Holgorsen setting a couch aflame while standing on it himself? And drinking Red Bull from a hollowed-out possum skull? You can, right?