Best play of the week, actual football division. You hear "Prothro play," and you tend to cover your eyes and cringe, but don't be scared: UCLA's Nelson Rosario made the good kind. Honorable mention: Arkansas' Joe Adams.
Best play of the week, entertainment value division. SMU's brand-new kicker, Chase Hover, who is not acquitting himself as well as he might have hoped. His biggest fan today: Runner-up honoree Morgan Newton.
Best actual award. Kentucky punter Ryan Tydlacka is honored by his school, and ... well, it's hard to argue they needed him Thursday night.
Best Week 1 road trip. Atlanta, which hosted the Chick-fil-A Kickoff, DragonCon, and the city's Black Gay Pride festival on the same weekend, with a NASCAR truck race just outside the city limits (what, for more variety?) in an outstanding confluence of ATL-ness. This being Atlanta, each group came with its own unique brand of trucker hat.
Most overblown comedown. TCU's defense has sort of earned a wait-and-see designation at this point, no?
Most quietly unsettling stat line. Depending on which box score you check, Tennessee had either five, six, or seven fumbles against Montana. Any of these numbers are upsetting. How much of this was due to the howling rainstorm that consumed the game from whistle to whistle?
Grape job! Notre Dame's abstinence-plus offense, which also does not work.
Most wasted potential, player division. The pony boys, who should maybe don helmets and pads for SMU, where they could not possibly look any sillier.
Most wasted potential, announcer division. Ian Darke, who by all rights should've been in an NCAAF booth Saturday night. C'mon, soccer! Loan him out!
Worst double-up, Pac-12 North division. Wazzu QB Jeff Tuel, who ended a day that began with a stomach virus by breaking his collarbone on about the fifth play from scrimmage.
Worst double-up, Pac-12 South division. Because one injury to one UCLA quarterback would be same-old, same-old, Kevin Prince sprained a shoulder to go along with his concussion.
Best music-based trolling. The Rice band, who produced the weekend's only realignment-based comedy to actually draw laughs.
Best shuttle run. UCLA defensive coordinator Joe Tresey, who had a little trouble finding his seat.
Worst horticultural indignity, in-game division. Whoever's in charge of the field at Notre Dame.
Worst horticultural indignity, postgame division. Really, Purdue fans, act like you've been there before, even when we all know better.
Best reminder that the spirit of Tommy Bowden resides within us all. June Jones, we salute you. Worst parenting. The family of Dillon Baxter. Is it ever good news when you can name a college football player's parents?