Tuesday September 6th, 2011

What other introduction is there but FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN! The Fat Guy Touchdown is the Internet's most celebrated football play for a host of reasons, not the least of which, last night, was that it distracted us all for just a little while from both our daily troubles and Maryland's uniforms. Much, much more on those later, but for now, bask in the radiance of Terp defensive lineman Joe Vellano, lumbering to glory in a downpour that seemed scarcely to touch him.

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(Also, Maryland beat Miami, if you're into that. You might have heard.)

Precious few to go. With that, Week 1 is in the books, and I've got a little photo gallery up of pre-Labor Day action in Atlanta, where Boise fans wilted rapidly in the heat, and their football team did whatever the opposite of wilting is.

Wait, WHAT Texas-to-ACC report? Y'all. As if. And if we're allowed to just straight make things up now, I'm offering to mail delicious homemade cookies to the first reader who can convince WAC commissioner Karl Benson to reply on the record to reports that Texas would like to become the anchor of his fine conference. (Reports that I just made up.)

Well, what the crimson hell would they need one of THOSE for? Nick Saban is still refusing to divulge which player he would prefer to put in charge of handing off to Trent Richardson in the red zone.

One Tider turns north. Tennessee introduced Alabama's Dave Hart as the new AD, a position which they're apparently still insistent on calling "vice chancellor of athletics." (Does this make Neyland Stadium some sort of Death Star in the making? Lovely. It's under construction enough.) Interim AD and all-around excellent human Joan Cronan is bound for impending retirement with an unblemished record. Welcome, Dave. Now make sure we keep that Oregon game, y'hear?

Adversity means different things to different people. Toledo coach Tim Beckman is railing against his players having to attend class. Fight the good fight, sir.

A&M fans are welcome to submit additional words at this time. Ray Ratto says Texas has "personality", which is certainly one word for what Texas has, although the resemblance between Mack Brown and Tracy Flick is starting to get spooky.

Do they still have geography classes that involve coloring in maps? In total seriousness for just a blip, the part about a Georgia Tech player giving up on being an architect is his choice, but still sad.

Florida fans, jump for multiple formation shifting  joy! Trey Burton returns.

DID YOU KNOW ... that Robert Bolden's 14 pass attempts for Penn State netted the Nittany Lions an average of 1.5 yards of gained ground apiece? Now you do. 

But look at that hair! You are Hal Mumme. You've been busted down to Division III. Do you cry over an 82-6 loss? No. No, you just fluff that coif.

More like Lead-gens, amirite? The Big Ten has no better idea of who's in what division than you do, gentle reader.

White Goodman would call this the Jokey Jokemaker Player of the Week. 2011's first Lott IMPACT Player didn't even play a full game, but against Western Michigan, three-ish quarters probably counts as stats enough. • Precious, ever the wit. What's with Tennessee's dizzying rotation of defensive personnel? Well, quoth Derek Dooley, "We don't have a lot of really good guys."

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