Designated Read: Your realignment wrap

Wednesday September 7th, 2011

You can't spell realignment without "malign." Well, we're in it now. Texas A&M and the SEC are making eyes at one another across the dance floor. (Now if only we could get them to just wait until February.) But as long as we're here, it's time to think of other regionally inaccurate teams to add to college football's premier conference. West Virginia, Ohio State, Boise State, sit by the phone! Pac-12, batter up!

Won't someone think of the beer-battered butter? If this realignment square dance means the end of an annual excuse to eat fried Coca-Cola on the company dime at the Texas State fair, I am going to be extremely upset.

If this were real state-run TV, the network would be dissolving conferences themselves, consarnit. This, on the other hand, might be a consequence a lot of people could live with.

In actual football news, concerning actual football games that have actually been played. Hey, polls! Lots and lots of polls! If you're looking for something to get mad about here -- and most fans reading polls are -- please note that while TCU drops to No. 25 in the AP rankings, a certain team out of Waco that happened to beat TCU last Friday night is nowhere to be seen. Maths are hard!

Now stop making it hard to feel sorry for you. Baylor. Guys. Have some self-respect.

In & Out. Four Buckeyes are off suspension, although whether they'll regain their former positions on the depth chart remains to be seen. Two Florida State defenders will miss the Seminoles' utterly essential clash with Charleston Southern, following the ever-abundant-and-mysterious Violation Of Team Rules. UCLA's down a center following Kai Maiava's reported positive drug test. Marc Tyler returns to action for USC. Oklahoma State's Johnny Thomas will be sidelined for a year, reportedly thanks to academic transgressions. And Syracuse loses the essential Chandler Jones to a "lower-body injury," which could mean just about anything.

Your spelling will not save you. Dayne Crist is out and Tommy Rees is in under center at Notre Dame. No pressure for the sophomore, starting next week in a sleepy little town called "Ann Arbor."

Just the thing. One fun way to deal with having an entire team of elite athletes' conditioning called into question following a high-profile loss is to put media muzzles on the entire strength staff.

Somebody really likes playing Utah and UCLA! Colorado's none too eager to stare down Texas and Oklahoma on the opposite sideline.

Until it's not, and then, we can blame Texas A&M for that too. The second half of the Tennessee-Oregon home-and-home is still a go, according to sources in both athletic departments, capping the Vols' third Pac-12 series in the past 10 years.

OW OW OW PAIN OW. Go ahead and skip that lunchtime workout, because you had a light breakfast and didn't sleep too well last night, and are just kinda feeling out of it today. In unrelated news, Texas Tech defensive end Leon Mackey hit a guy so hard Saturday that he deflated his own lung. • Wednesday whimsy. Believe it or not, there's something else rotten about those new Maryland unis. The Kansas schools want to stay twinsies. Get your tiny-print, ultra-masculine ties. A Sun Belt network would be most whimsical. The BCS underbelly in spelling bee form. Some positive news about Maryland. Where does your school fall on the grid of shame? And watching this should take no more than five hours of your work day.

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