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Designated Read: Two halves do not a game make

The annual rite of fall in which the coaches' poll stops even pretending to try comes earlier every year. LSU and Alabama top the new Associated Press poll, heralding the might of the SEC West and causing upset tummies all over the SEC East, where Florida and Tennessee will be facing both teams in back-to-back weeks. Gulp. Texas A&M is still ranked, which is ludicrous, but at least South Carolina has been dropped below Auburn, unlike a certain other poll run by a pack of raving college football coaches who don't require the drones casting their votes for them to watch any actual football, ever. (Texas A&M is ranked in that one, too. You people. I swear.)

Grudgingly shared realignment nonsense. The Big East could be a Bigger East, and this really ought to be filed under "whimsy." Were the major Oklahoma teams aware they were about to be snubbed? And the Big 12 is ready for sharing time, just as soon as everybody pricks their index fingers.

Except it is in your character, because it's something you would do, because we all saw you do it. Illinois' Jonathan Brown is very, very sorry for that groin shot on Northwestern's Patrick Ward. Like Northwestern players don't have enough to feel bad about.

You should still all be ashamed of yourselves for everything else that happened. The end of the South Carolina-Auburn game, as explained by the SEC.

Giveth, taketh. John Brantley's leg injury is rumored to be a high ankle sprain; he will sit out this weekend, and he's been spotted on campus with crutches, and the only thing worse than starting a true freshman backup quarterback against Alabama might be starting one against LSU. Miami linebacker Ramon Buchanan's knee injury will sideline him for the remainder of the season. Jeff Tuel returns to practice for Wazzu this week.

Roster dance! Surprising absolutely no one, Jonathan Brown will serve a one-game suspension for the above-referenced crotch attack. Georgia's Cornelius Washington will miss at least two games serving a suspension for his weekend DUI arrest. Backup Iowa quarterback A.J. Derby, subject of the weekend's most entertaining arrest report, will serve a two-game suspension of his own. And stop me if this sounds familiar, but there's some more Ohio State stuff happening.

Monday whimsy: Please enjoy this crucial college football statistical study. All hail the Franklincopter. Hey, here's a fun Northwestern factoid! Russell Wilson's Heisman campaign is live. Here is some more bad stuff the NCAA has no hope of policing effectively. See Will Muschamp maul Pat Forde. Oregon football's cold shoulders are being roped together under the heading of "efficiency." Everybody get out your Mike Leach Coaching Comeback Destination bingo cards. It would help if Andrew Luck was an incorrigible brat in interviews, because it would at least make him seem human, but that's not happening, and Luck remains unreal. And welcome to the Shermtracker, an undertaking as mean-spirited as it is entertaining.

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