The 2011 Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl is just a day away. We're sure you have so many questions. We're here to help. (For an Xs and Os breakdown, check out Zac Ellis' bowl preview).
• "Beef 'O' Brady's?" With the apostrophes? Really? Really. Never thought you'd miss the magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl's capitalization practices, did you?
• Never did figure out what a "magicJack" was. Nobody did. That's part of what made it such an ineffective bowl game!
• Back to beefobradys: They know that if they're trying to challenge the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, they're still coming up short on sheer character volume, right? No idea why the 2009 game title of "St. Petersburg Bowl Presented by Beef 'O' Brady's" didn't stick, but it is not for the likes of you or me to question the makers of "Nachos 'O' Brady," gentle reader.
• There is no way on earth that is a real thing. Behold the Beef's Classic Starters menu, nonbeliever, and despair.
• Where can I watch this alleged football contest? Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg.
• That is a notoriously unpleasant baseball stadium. Why is this game a thing? Let us turn for our answer to this abnormally candid passage on the title sponsor's website:
Though Beef’s® is proud to play an integral part, the Bowl itself was conceived by media giant ESPN who recognized Florida’s natural enthusiasm for the game of football -- a state with representation in four major NCAA conferences. So natural in fact, that ESPN ran with the idea all the way to the NCAA Bowl Certification Committee. Shortly after, a Bowl was born in St. Petersburg. FL.
• When is it on television? Kickoff is scheduled for 8:00 p.m. ET on Tuesday, December 20. The game will be televised on ESPN.
• Which teams does it feature? The Big East and Conference USA are the designated conference tie-ins, with the Sun Belt as an alternate.
• Who sponsors it? Inexplicably punctuated restaurant Beef 'O' Brady's has headlined this bowl since 2009.
• Who will call the game? Mike Patrick and Craig James were slated, but in a move sure to boost game ratings, James recently begged off his postseason assignments to make what will surely be a hilarious run for a Senate seat. Jeannine Edwards will work the sidelines at the Trop.
• Enough about the football. What about the loot? The gifts are getting giftier as the January bowls draw nearer: Participating players will take home a PlayStation 3, among other treasures.
• What wacky activities/mild indignities will bowl participants be subjected to over the course of the week? Brothers and sisters, we're already there: The annual Beach Bash, which last year saw players from Louisville and Southern Miss getting chippy during a dance contest, reportedly passed without incident this time around. Marshall's Brandon Bullock took the bellyflop contest crown.
• Please impart any miscellaneous knowledge you might have concerning the 2011 New Orleans Bowl. You, too can be a part of the action in the Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl Bud Light Lounge, "the only on-field hospitality village in all of professional or college football."
• And by "village," they mean "no indoor plumbing or air conditioning," right? Not to fear, friend! Cool off postgame with that classic cocktail standby, the Beef 'O' Rita!
• We have come full circle back to you making things up. You only wish, gentle reader. You only wish. Stay tuned for more postseason FAQ sheets, and stay on top of a hectic postseason slate with our complete 2011-2012 College Football Bowl Schedule.