Wednesday May 16th, 2012

Charlie Weis Don't be fooled, Charlie Weis has a dream gig, getting exorbitant amounts of money to NOT coach. (John W. McDonough/Sports Illustrated)

In ascending order of perceived awesomeness, five rackets we would like to get into if we ever hopped off the lucrative college football blogging gravy train. There is life outside mom's basement, and it starts here:

 5. Head football coach, Duke University. Beautiful area to live in, plus that particular blue sets off our hair nicely. Win six games and put in bottom-tier bowl appearance = instant folk hero.

4. Drone, ESPN Tuesday or Friday night college football production crew. Where the Tessitore Effect (patent pending) will ensure we see at least 100 points scored on a football field in any given week.

3. Licensing official, Collegiate Licensing CompanyIt is somebody's real and actual job to decide that this Auburn floating tailgate bench and this Stanford tie bar/money clip/cufflinks set are allowed to exist. No tchotchke would be too tacky on our watch.

2. Bowl tycoon. Has held the No. 1 spot for as long as we have known what bowls and money were, but maybe lower the expectations ceiling on this one in the post-John Junker era. How many bouncy castles would we have to buy to spend $30,000 on a birthday party? How high can you count? 1. Bought out Notre Dame football coach. The amount Charlie Weis is being paid not to coach the Fighting Irish "could approach $19 million," according to the Chicago Tribune. And lest we forget, Weis once made less in base salary than Notre Dame was paying Ty Willingham to not be their coach anymore. Nice work if you can get it, amirite? Can Weis, Ron Prince and their respective legal teams take this show on the road once the two hang up their coaching spurs, negotiating exit deals for their peers? We'd make that reality show appointment television. BUYOUT KINGZ, only on TLC!

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