"[ESPN] has struck a deal with a middleman that will result in more political ads appearing on ESPN programs, including NFL and college football games, in October and November--the critical period before the general election."
Said one top ESPN executive: "There is 'great demand' for ad time from 'political parties and the super-PACs."
As we all learned in social studies, the three great dividers of the American electorate are religion, politics and college football. Religion gets to mingle with the other two to some degree, for obvious reasons, but what you never ever ever want to do is combine all three, most especially where large quantities of domestic beer are involved. College football is tribal enough by its very nature, and is perfectly capable of generating arguments that end in horrific displays of human cruelty on its own, thankyouverymuch. Now some suit has the bright idea to toss in ad breaks that will engender living room fisticuffs over wars, heathcare and education? Is there any way this doesn't end in heartbreak, or in armbreak?
(The sole exception: Are any of these ads going to be attack ads against Craig James? He's not even running anymore, but we salute any party wanting to take the time to remind the great people of this great nation what a vapid blight he was and probably will forever remain. On this one issue, brothers and sisters, we surely can all come together.) We are not your personal het-up ant farm, advertisers. Do not shake us so, we beg of you. This is a business decision that will come with a body count. Some of those casualties will be friendships. Some of those might be actual bodies, who knows. There is actually only one way we can think of to make this worse, and it involves Pitbull narrating political ads from beneath a glitzily-lit highway overpass. That'd be a real good time.