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A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 5 awards

Nick Florence threw for a Baylor-record 581 yards against West Virginia … and lost. (ZUMAPRESS.com)

Assorted bests and worsts from college football’s weekend that was:

• Most traumatizing treasured memory to be passed down to future generations:

"Grandmama, what was your wedding day like?" "Well, Kayleee, Bud Foster's defense allowed 495 yards to Cincinnati, including a 39-yard touchdown pass with less than 30 seconds to play, which is how we got the idea to name your uncle Munchie, in the hopes that he'd grow up to achieve greatness."

• The We Are Giving Nick Florence A Medal, Consarnit Medal of Gallantry in the Face of Complete Defensive Lunacy: Florence, y'all. See, 581 yards and five touchdowns shouldn't rightly send anybody home with a loss. Baylor converted 11-of-16 third-down tries Saturday; just one more successful attempt and, again, we're maybe writing a different story today.

• Loudest scream into the abyss: We are automatically behind any quarterback who shows up in a shirtless mugshot setting before even earning the starting job, so Johnny Manziel turning out to be really good at football is just icing at this point. But what icing: While we were watching Baylor and West Virginia blow holes in one another Saturday, Johnny Football (CAN YOU BE ANY MORE AMERICAN? WE THINK NOT!) was throwing for 453 yards, rushing for 104 more and accounting for four scores against Arkansas. Speaking of which:

• Best case for a loophole allowing a kid to just slink off to an NFL roster in the middle of the college football season: Tyler Wilson came back for his senior year, and the program he came back to just gets sadder by the week. If you've never blessed someone's heart and meant it sincerely, the next time you see Wilson on television would be a nice time to start.

Most likely stat you will hear from Notre Dame people in social settings this week, no matter the topic of conversation: Miami, we beseech you: Just kick a field goal or something on your first offensive possession before this really blooms into full aren't-we-special memehood.

• Most tentative congratulations: Is it safe, after three games of meaningful playing time, to applaud the production of Iowa running back Mark Weisman, who's rolled up 507 ground yards against UNI, Central Michigan and Minnesota? Or are we all still sort of flinching every time he gets tackled or makes a cut? No reason we can't do both. Please stay healthy, kid. Please.

• Itchiest head-scratcher: "Oregon State football," we remember a Pac-12 colleague telling us this summer, "is just broken." One month into the season, the Beavers have beaten two Pac-12 teams and one Big Ten team, boast the nation's fourth-ranked passing offense and a top-10 offensive producer in quarterback Sean Mannion and have a schedule littered with conference games that are looking more winnable by the week. Must be that Double-Doubles diet.

• Worst pregame publicity: Of course, seeing how closely the 'Cats played South Carolina for two quarters, perhaps Kentucky's athletic department should've re-denied rumors of Joker Phillips' resignation at halftime.

• Worst touchdown celebration: For Halloween this year, Tavon Austin is going as a deflected Geno Smith pass. Because nobody knows what that even looks like, he is prepared to demonstrate.

• Football promotional item most likely to contain some sort of Sun Belt resistance code:

We've mentioned these Ragin' Cajuns-themed Sonic burgers before, but there's something off-putting about the overly declarative ad statement "THE LOGO IS ON THE BUN." A code, perhaps? If you press the logo and the red button at the same time, and whisper into the console, "The tulips are in bloom. Cut lemons. Stonehenge. Stonehenge," does a secret trapdoor open and drop you into a boudin ball-pit? Probably? Delicious and unsanitary, just how we like our Sun Belt football.

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