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A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 13 awards

Assorted bests and worsts from college football's weekend that was:

• Best new phrase we learned in Week 13: "Tactical gum box!" Surprisingly, it's not a euphemism:

Of course LSU has one of these, and of course that is what it is called.

• Best hair, all-over-head division: Gonna be tough for us not to hand out two imaginary trophies to LSU in a row here, particularly when Zach Mettenberger did pregame warmups with his coif fluffed halfway to heaven, but have you seen what's going on behind Brett Hundley in this sideline shot? ALL HAIL THE BUNYAN-BACK.

• Most traditional traditional tailgate food: How to make the classic American hot dog even more classically American?

We showed this to a Michigan pal and asked if he'd be interested in consuming a few. He responded in Latin, and lost us around a bend after "companionable silence."

• Best rivalry trophy, Week 13: The Civil War's Platypus. There are many storied trophies at stake on the last full Saturday of the regular season, and if Memphis and UAB played on the same day we'd have a heartbreaking decision to make. But they do not; these other totems are not platypuses, and are therefore inferior.

• Best postgame celebration: UTSA quarterback Eric Soza's proposal. Congrats, you crazy kids.

• Gnarliest cognitive dissonance: Here's an award that can never be vacated, Jim Tressel.

Jim Tressel essentially made sure the SEC wouldn't be shut out of this year's national championship game, even with no undefeated teams making it out of conference play. How often do you reckon Jim Delany thinks about that?

• Best coach quotes: Will Muschamp and Gary Patterson (tie).

• Spookiest alignment of the fates: Oh, so NOW the universe is aligning to help Boise State, after throwing those perfectly timed wrenches into the Broncos' works the past couple seasons. Football, you fickle mistress.

• Grape Job! Whoever made Jesse Palmer apologize. Because, sure, Texas lost the Thanksgiving game, its second home defeat this season at the hands of a conference noob, and may well be overshadowed by the hated Aggies in future Turkey Day gridiron action, but just as long as nobody's feelings got hurt.

• Best proof of a Fat Guy Touchdown-loving god. The end of the final quarter of regulation play in the Apple Cup, because no way does a guy of Keith Price's experience just do that with the football with that much on the line. There is a Fat Guy Touchdown deity, orbiting somewhere above us. He sees all, knows much and wants nothing more than to see an occasional lineman rumbling down the field for a well-earned score. Honor him.

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