Mandatory afternoon reading from Patrick Stevens, who's undertaken a mathematical examination of coaching tenures in major college football in this age of quick-trigger personnel decisions and unearthed some chilling tidbits. Kentucky's skipper, a first-time head coach, is now a relative old-timer? Believe it:
* Kentucky's Mark Stoops, the first hire of the post-2012 season wave, has been on the job longer than 22.8 percent of his fellow FBS coaches. He was hired Nov. 27.
* West Virginia's Dana Holgorsen, promoted in the summer of 2011, has been on the job in Morgantown longer than 54 other head coaches.
Please remove all children, pregnant women, nursing mothers and heart patients from the vicinity before reminding yourself just how long Kirk Ferentz has clung to the head job at Iowa. And before you ask, because you will: We did check, and as of press time, still no quantifiable metrics exist to demonstrate how dumb FIU was to fire Mario Cristobal.