UNSUPPORTED BROWSER
Campus Union

'Bortles & Jameis': A story of athletes, trademarks and quarterback buddy cops

Jameis Winston; Blake Bortles Friends. Quarterbacks. Cops. (Gary Bogdon/SI :: Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

The whole filing trademarks to protect one's brand thing isn't exactly new (oh my gosh, I just wrote "protect one's brand," I'm so sorry), but it is a bit murky when it comes to college sports. Student-athletes can't make money off their names or likenesses even if others can. So if an athlete has a nickname, say "Famous Jameis" or "Johnny Football," it's entirely possible for a third party to profit off the athletic prowess of an 18- or 22-year-old unless the filing is blocked by the individual, his/her family or the university.

With that in mind, it's not entirely surprising to see that a man in Tallahassee has filed to trademark the phrase "Bortles & Jameis," obviously in reference to UCF quarterback Blake Bortles and Florida State quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston (and a tip of the cap to Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers). This story comes from Jon Solomon of AL.com.

Via Solomon:

The latest application was filed Dec. 31 by Tarik Noriega, who identified himself in an interview as a Florida State and UCF fan who likes both quarterbacks. His application says the trademark would be for shirts, shorts, pants, jackets, sweaters, hats, visors, headbands, wristbands, scarves, shoes and sandals.

Noriega, who is an economist in Tallahassee, Fla., said it's too soon to say what plans he may have if he received the trademark. He spent $325 on the application.

Chances are the application will be denied, but that's missing the larger point. Anybody can make shirts, shorts, pants, jackets, sweaters, hats, visors, headbands, scarves, shoes and sandals and slap a phrase or nickname on them. That's shortsighted. If you're really going to do this, aim higher. The phrase "Bortles & Jameis" has so many possibilities that have yet to be explored, from cute and cuddly stuffed animals to a line of high-quality skin products to fine leather goods to a food truck.

Heck, you might as well go for it all and create a buddy cop show. Crime-fighting quarterbacks? Now that's monetizing an idea.

*Note: This is a work of fiction. Nothing contained herein is meant to resemble anything real whatsoever. It is merely a way to get through the offseason without going insane. But feel free to get super mad about it in the comments section if you want.

Episode 1: "Personal Foul"

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A crowded, loud police station is pulsing with the hectic action of the day. Phones ring. People rush from desk to desk, carrying coffee mugs and case files. DEPUTY POLICE CHIEF BRIAN WILLIAMS taps another cop, STEVE GREENWALD, on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear.

The two walk into the chief's office. Greenwald sits in a chair that faces a messy desk.

GREENWALD:

Whaddya need, Chief?

CHIEF:

This case is taking everything out of our department and we're still no closer to finding the answers. It's eating up far too many resources, and I've got the commissioner on my back to get this thing done. We're all up for evaluations at the end of the quarter, as you well know. This is the most high-profile item on our docket right now, and we need to solve this thing.

GREENWALD:

Well, what do you want us to do? We've got our best guys on it. They're stumped. We're all putting in 18-hour days here.

CHIEF:

He's going to strike again. We know that. We have to find his next target, and we have to bring in some new blood.

GREENWALD:

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

The Chief picks up the phone and dials a few numbers, one would assume the appropriate amount of numbers you need to make a phone call.

EXT. PICNIC BENCH – DAY

Two men are eating sandwiches at the park. They're chattering intermittently. There is a big bag of Zapp's Voodoo Chips in the center, and they pass it back and forth to grab handfuls. The first man, JAMEIS, takes a cellphone out of his pocket. It is ringing. The Thompson Twins' "Hold Me Now" is the ringtone. The second man, BORTLES, laughs.

BORTLES:

You still haven't changed that ringtone? That song's about 30 years old.

JAMEIS:

So what? I like this song. Just because it's old doesn't make it bad.

Jameis presses a button on the phone and holds it up to his ear.

JAMEIS:

This is Jameis.

CHIEF (V.O.):

This is police chief Brian Williams. I know this is out of the blue, but we need your help.

JAMEIS:

We don't do that anymore. We're quarterbacks now.

CHIEF (V.O.):

I wouldn't call if it wasn't absolutely necessary. We don't have another option.

JAMEIS:

Do you remember what happened the last time you pulled us out of retirement?

CHIEF (V.O.):

Gator World is fully repaired and doing better than ever. You can barely tell it was rebuilt in the first place.

JAMEIS:

We'll come in, but we're finishing our lunch first. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I don't buy that. Lunch is where winners are made.

Jameis hangs up the phone and shoves it back in his pocket.

BORTLES:

Are we back?

JAMEIS:

We back.

BORTLES:

Let's stop at home; I've gotta change shoes at least. I'm not walking in there wearing these.

Bortles motions to his sandals.

Jameis smiles widely and takes a bite of his sandwich.

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Jameis and Bortles walk through the glass doors to the police station. Their presence seems to suck all the air and noise out of the typically crazed room. The other cops in the area try way too hard to seem inconspicuous and continue acting natural, but their eyes hone in on the pair as they walk into the chief's office.

The chief is sitting at his desk, and he motions Jameis and Bortles to two chairs.

CHIEF:

Come in. Sit down.

JAMEIS:

We prefer to stand.

BORTLES:

Says you. I'm sitting.

Bortles sits down and casually swings his feet up on the desk, placing his hands behind his head. He's now wearing gator shoes that are extremely out of place with his jeans, sport coat and tie.

Jameis crosses his arms and leans against the door frame.

CHIEF:

So here's the situation: I'm sure you've heard about the string of jewelry store robberies happening all over the area. Four have been hit already. We don't know much. The culprit has at least $10 million in merchandise. Whoever is doing it has been able to disable the security cameras before entering, and the only eyewitness accounts are that he wears a striped shirt, black pants and he has glasses. His calling card is making a mess -- destroying glass displays, breaking anything he doesn't take and smashing windows. He leaves behind one yellow flag. The media has taken to calling him "Glasses Ref."

Bortles chuckles and opens a bottle of Gatorade.

JAMEIS:

Where did you get that?

BORTLES:

I brought it from lunch.

JAMEIS:

You didn't bring me one?

BORTLES:

You didn't ask.

JAMEIS:

Oh, that is so like you. Always thinking about yourself –

CHIEF:

(Shouts) Gentlemen! This is serious!

BORTLES & JAMEIS:

(In unison) Sorry, Chief.

CHIEF:

We know he's going to strike again, and we've identified five possible targets in a 20-mile radius. You can see them circled here.

The chief points to various dots on a map spread across the desk.

BORTLES:

So we're just supposed to guess which one he's going to hit next?

JAMEIS:

That one.

Jameis points fervently to a circled spot near the top right corner of the map.

JAMEIS:

That's it. I know it.

BORTLES:

Care to share your work with the rest of the class?

JAMEIS:

They're putting the BCS trophy there. That crystal is the target. I've read up on this case, Chief, and everywhere he's gone, Glasses Ref has taken a piece of memorabilia. Strong Jewelers: a Super Bowl Ring. Thomas' Fine Art and Antiquities: an old Honus Wagner baseball card. And so on. He's making this big crash, destroying a bunch of stuff and taking a lot of the diamonds and everything to throw you guys off the trail.

BORTLES:

He's just a sports fan. A collector. We should've known that all along from the flag. You even said it yourself, he has a calling card for Pete's sake.

JAMEIS:

Exactly.

Bortles tosses Jameis the bottle of Gatorade, a nearly perfect spiral.

Jameis catches it and smiles. He takes a sip. He smiles again.

JAMEIS:

The trophy's been on a tour. It was at Winn-Dixie and Walmart, but those were too high profile. This store's owner is a big booster, so I'm sure the school did him a favor so he can bring in a bunch of business without the rah-rah photo ops and all that. We just need to figure out when he's going to hit.

BORTLES:

Looks like we've got ourselves a stakeout. Let's go, Jameis, we've got snacks to buy.

INT. CAR – NIGHT

BORTLES:

... basically what I'm saying is, what if we're the ants and some other species are the humans?

Jameis smiles.

JAMEIS:

What? Are you listening to yourself right now?

Bortles takes a bite of a Swiss Roll.

BORTLES:

I'm just saying think about it, man. It's not as crazy as it sounds.

JAMEIS:

Turn up the radio. I love this song.

Echo & the Bunnymen's "The Killing Moon" is on.

JAMEIS (Singing) & IAN MCCULLOCH (V.O.):

Fate

Up against your will

Through the thick and thin

He will wait until

You give yourself to him

Bortles shakes his head and finishes the Swiss Roll in one bite, wiping his hands off on a napkin. The song continues in the background.

BORTLES:

You and this '80s stuff. You're crazy. Turn it down, turn it down, I see something --

Jameis shuts off the radio and ducks down out of instinct.

A man approaches the front door of the jewelry store. His shadow is smattered on the ground by a well-lit store sign that reads "Tomahawk Diamonds." He pulls out what appears to be a modified TI-83 graphing calculator with a cord hooked up to it. He places one end of the cord into a box and presses a few buttons. The sign goes dark. The man tests the door handle. Tests it again. Then wrests it open.

JAMEIS:

Game time. Are you ready?

BORTLES:

I'm ready.

JAMEIS:

We've worked our whole lives for this. This is our time. Our opportunity. We've gotten here as a team, and if we succeed, it'll be as a team. When we do it, we do it big.

BORTLES:

Enough with the speeches, let's get this guy.

Jameis smiles.

JAMEIS:

Let's chop.

INT. STORE – NIGHT

GLASSES REF is cautiously moving from display to display, carefully picking items to place in a Sun Bowl duffel bag he had slung along one shoulder. He is wearing a black and white striped shirt and black pants, the same outfit the chief described earlier. At the other end of the store, behind the counter, the BCS trophy reflects light across the floor. Glasses Ref smashes two glass displays with his hands, picks up a watch and examines it before tossing it on the ground. He steps on it and chuckles.

GLASSES REF:

Five-second runoff.

Jameis and Bortles slowly creep up to the front of the store, hiding behind the door. They peek through the circular window in the door, watching the burglar work.

BORTLES:

(Whispers) What's the plan?

JAMEIS:

(Also whispers) I thought you had a plan.

BORTLES:

No. I thought you did.

JAMEIS:

Let's call an audible.

Jameis bursts through the door, clearly catching Glasses Ref off guard. He drops a bracelet he was holding.

JAMEIS:

What do we have here?

GLASSES REF:

Who the heck are you?

BORTLES:

Bortles and Jameis, quarterback cops.

JAMEIS:

No, it's Jameis and Bortles.

BORTLES:

Why does your name always gotta be first?

JAMEIS:

When you win a Heisman, you can have your name first, how about that?

BORTLES:

That's a low blow, dude.

JAMEIS:

The truth hurts.

GLASSES REF:

Ahem.

JAMEIS:

Oh, yeah, right. You're under arrest for burglary, destruction of property and basically being an all-around bad guy.

GLASSES REF:

You'll have to catch me first.

The ref tries to get past the two, but Bortles wraps him up. The two fight.

Jameis sneaks behind the counter and investigates the BCS trophy.

Glasses Ref knocks Bortles to the ground, throws a flag for targeting and starts to make his way for the door.

JAMEIS:

Bortles, duck.

Jameis takes three steps and hurls the crystal football. It strikes Glasses Ref right in the back, and he collapses to the floor. The crystal football shatters.

BORTLES:

Oooooooooooops.

JAMEIS:

Oh, don't act like that's the first time the BCS trophy broke. It's made of crystal. It probably cracks if you look at it funny. Bortles, look --

Glasses Ref is scrambling to grab his duffle. He takes two steps toward the door.

Bortles tackles him, knocking the bag away. Glasses Ref is out cold. Jameis walks over, and he and Bortles look down on the unconscious criminal.

JAMEIS

Now that's targeting.

Bortles and Jameis laugh. They high five. The screen freezes, and Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" starts playing triumphantly in the background.

More Campus Union

Close

To continue enjoying content from the most trusted name is sports, please be sure to update your current bookmark.

Our updated web address is http://www.si.com.

To continue enjoying content from the most trusted name is sports, please be sure to update your current bookmark.

Just follow these 4 easy steps:

  1. Click the Chrome menu on the browser toolbar.
  2. Select Bookmarks.
  3. Select Bookmark manager.
  4. Locate your current Sports Illustrated bookmark, click the Organize menu, then select Edit. You can now easily update the web address of your Sports Illustrated bookmark.

    Our updated web address is http://www.si.com.

To continue enjoying content from the most trusted name is sports, please be sure to update your current bookmark.

Just follow these 2 easy steps:

  1. Click the Safari bookmark manager on the browser toolbar.
  2. This will open the Bookmarks Bar. In the Bookmarks Bar, select your Sports Illustrated bookmark and manually edit the Address field.

    Our updated web address is http://www.si.com.

To continue enjoying content from the most trusted name is sports, please be sure to update your current bookmark.

Just follow these 3 easy steps:

  1. Click the Firefox bookmark manager on the browser toolbar.
  2. Select Show All Bookmarks.
  3. This will open the library window. In the Library window, select your Sports Illustrated bookmark and manually edit the Location field.

    Our updated web address is http://www.si.com.
Don't Show This Again