Photo illustration | Tim Fuller-US PRESSWIRE
Former Detroit Lions problem adult and current free agent wide receiver Titus Young was arrested not once but twice last Sunday in a matter of only 15 hours. The adventure started just after midnight in southern California, when Young made an illegal left turn and got booked for suspicion of driving under the influence; the second arrest followed at 2:22 p.m when police busted Young for breaking into the tow yard where his Mustang was impounded.
On the surface, it seems like an impressive effort. But then one gets to thinking: what was Young doing during the 15 hours between crimes? Because whatever it was, it wasn't "getting arrested." And just like that, Young's Sunday morning begins to seem downright pedestrian.
Had Young been more industrious with his time, he could have unearthed countless other opportunities to run afoul of Johnny Law. How might a different morning have gone; a morning during which Young truly dedicated himself to the pursuit of the sorts of petty crimes that his peers and contemporaries so masterfully commit? That morning might have gone like this.
12:52 am: Assault stemming from a bar fight
Reeling from his initial arrest and the seizure of his Mustang, Young gets a ride from a buddy and heads to a nearby bar to maintain his buzz. A patron sympathizes, they strike up a conversation, and it feels like Young might salvage the night—until the dude says Young looks like Eddie Murphy. The remark spurs Young to pop the guy in the face a couple times, bloodying him and leaving a wound that requires 19 stitches. The bartender calls the police.
1:03 am: Public urination and indecent exposure
After the bar fight (Eddie Murphy?!), Young stews outside, knowing the cops will arrive soon. Having already broken the seal, he has to pee, badly—but he's no longer welcome in the bar. The sidewalk will have to do. He lets a stream rip just as the cops pull up, and it's too painful to pinch. The lawmen write him up for public urination and indecent exposure.
2:51 am: Disturbing the peace
Against better judgment (ha!) Young decides to take the wheel of his friend's car en route to a nearby casino. He invites another date with the police by blasting the car's stereo, and the cops oblige. They ask him to lower the volume, he refuses to cooperate, and voila: he gets dinged for disturbing the peace.
2:53 am: Evading police
As Young gets back in the vehicle, the officers notice his gun stashed between the seat and the center console. Young locks eyes with the officer, then dashes, running a wobbly fly pattern down the street before a cop who happened to be a collegiate track star tackles him to the ground, adding injury to another charge.
2:57 am: Possession of an illegal firearm
Of course he doesn't have a license for the firearm. Don't be ridiculous.
5:15 am: Falsely reporting a fire and misdemeanor reckless endangerment
Young's still smarting from the tackle when arrives at the casino, but hey, what better place to release some tension? In a fit of rage he pulls several fire alarms. Patrons inside the casino ignore it. Police inside the casino do not.
6:49 am: Committing a fraudulent act in a gaming establishment
Unaware that Young has now been busted an astonishing six times in the past seven hours, casino management allows him to stay and gamble. He chooses craps, and goes on quite a run. Though his stacks are high, he knows he's going to have some hefty legal fees in the near future. He decides to drop a $5 chip on his odds bet after a roll -- that's a no-no! -- to secure a greater payout. Alas, there are cameras everywhere, and they're looking right at him. Soon, so are the police.
7:21 am: Possession of a controlled substance
Young's lost everything now, including his buzz. But it's really late and he's not ready to go to sleep, so he scores some cocaine ... from an undercover officer.
9:32 am: Theft
After the latest arrest and blow to his ego, Young and his friend ship out to Denny's to chow down Grand Slam breakfasts. The damage? About $27 dollars. Which would be fine if Young hadn't lost all his cash at the casino. Upon realizing that his wallet's dry, he dashes. At that moment three cops enter for their morning coffee, and they promptly arrest him.
11:29 am: Criminal mischief
Finally Young returns home. As he watches his friend pull away, Young realizes that his keys were in the car -- and his cell phone's dead! Oh boy. Jittery and running on fumes, Young walks over to his neighbor's house and bangs on the door, yelling all the while about his troubles. The neighbor wants no part of it. Young continues to cause a commotion, so the neighbor calls the police.
12:16 pm: Possession of marijuana
Just as the police arrive at his neighbor's place, Young remembers that he keeps a spare key in a fake rock on his patio. He retrieves it and lets himself in—but before he can close the door, the police walk over and notice a stash of weed sitting on the stairs. Not a Sam Hurd-sized stack, but enough to get knocked for marijuana possession and intent to distribute.
12:23 pm: Possession of a drug without a prescription
With the weed providing probable cause, the police enter Young's home and find an unlabeled prescription drug bottle
. The contents? The little blue pill. Viagra. The officers confiscate the contraband and depart, leaving behind an indignant Young. Without his Viagra, how is he supposed to enjoy that night's sex boat party