If you thought the Lakers’ groveling for Dwight Howard’s talents couldn’t smell any more desperate, take another whiff. According to reports, the team now has its cable partners in on the sell, and Time Warner is dangling the idea of giving Howard his own television show if he stays in Los Angeles. The details end there, so we’re on our own to speculate as to what a Dwight Howard TV show might actually entail. But we’ve got some educated guesses:
A late-night news program, hosted by Dwight, in which he gives his unique take on all the latest Dwight-related headlines. In practice, this would entail Dwight dismissing bad press at the beginning of the hour and then treating viewers to lengthy montages of him dunking basketballs and pounding his chest. Has Dwight been butting heads with his coaches again? “Man, who cares, here's a tomahawk slam.”
A weekly interview show where Dwight profiles people from the community he finds inspiring, including Dwight Dressed As A Heroic Firefighter, Dwight Dressed As A Passionate High School Guidance Counselor, and Dwight Dressed As A Brave Amputee Who Doesn't Let Life Hold Him Back.
Drunken Table Games With Foreigners
As we’ve seen before, Dwight is at his best when he’s playing drunken table games with foreigners.
So why not make it into a show? Once you get past all the subtle racism, it’d make for seriously riveting primetime entertainment.
Dwight Howard Crashes the Charlie Rose Set, Steals the Guests, and Then Takes Them To Red Lobster
Miraculous Rebound: A Lifetime Original Series
An unfiltered look into Dwight’s harrowing battle with the disease that consumes him: locker room cancer. From the initial diagnosis in the oncologist’s office to his final chemotherapy appointment, witness every emotional moment as Dwight comes to terms with being horribly selfish and unpleasant teammate.
A show where Dwight travels around the country trading job with other guys named Dwight, presumably gaining no perspective along the way.
Free Throws For Humanity
Similar to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Dwight finds families that are enduring extraordinary hardships and offers to provide them with a new home. But since this is TV, there’s a catch: The family only gets to keep the digs if Dwight can sink 100 free throws by the end of the hour. Otherwise, the house gets bulldozed and the family must foot the bill for production costs.
Is Dwight Howard Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
A quiz show where a group of fifth graders attempt to stymie Dwight with juvenile trickery. How long will it take him to determine exactly what's so funny about the phrase Sofa King Stupid? Will he realize that having a hand larger than his face in fact does not indiciate a terminal illness, meaning he can come back from medical leave? Low production costs would make this one particularly enticing.
The Dwight Howard Standing Next To Short People Hour
Exactly what the title suggests, inspired by this picture of Dwight with comedian Kevin Hart.
(Hey, successful shows have been based on less.)
It’s like Punk’d, only the victim of every prank is Stan Van Gundy and his family.
I’m Not Happy Here
Admittedly a bit meta for mainstream audiences, INHH is a show-within-a-show wherein, after the first two episodes, Dwight decides he isn’t happy and spends the remaining 10 episodes undermining the producers and criticizing the other cast members. In the climactic season finale, he’ll passively sit around in his mansion while various Hollywood executives try to sweet talk him into moving the show to their network for the following season.
On SI Now, CBS Sports Radio's Brian Jones, American Ninja Warrior host Matt Iseman, and SI's Andrew Perloff discuss why the Lakers are so desperate to keep Howard: