All TVs are flatscreens to people with no depth perception. (All times Eastern)
Soccer FIFA U20 World Cup Final: France vs. Uruguay, 1:47p.m. Saturday (ESPN & ESPN3)
Uruguay needed an 87th minute equalizer to push their semifinal against Iraq into PKs. They advanced to the final when Ali Adnan booted one of the worst free kick attempts you'll ever see.
Soccer Gold Cup Group Play: USA vs. Cuba, 3:30p.m. Saturday (Fox)
A team full of Communists is probably an unlikely target for a match fixing scandal.
Soccer Gold Cup Group Play: Mexico vs. Martinique, 6:00p.m Sunday (Fox Soccer Channel)
On paper, Mexico is the dominant team in its group. On paper Martinique is the cupcake. On the field, however, both of these teams are in a win-and-advance situation. A loss to Martinique would surely sound the long-discussed death knell for the career of Mexico's coach Jose Manuel de la Torre.
MLB St. Louis Cardinals vs. Chicago Cubs, 8:00p.m. Sunday (ESPN)
The Cardinals recently had to remove a cross from their pitchers mound. The voodoo doll of Steve Bartman will remain on the mound at Wrigley Field.
Softball World Cup of Softball: Championship, 9:00p.m. Sunday (ESPN2)
The USA has won six of the seven Softball World Cups and is the prohibitive favorite this year. How do you say, "Do you believe in miracles" in Japanese?
Softball Slow Pitch Softball USA vs. Canada, 12:00p.m. Saturday(ESPN)
Home runs are so easy to hit in men's slow pitch that the rules limit the number of dingers each team gets in the game. Sending one yard in the wrong circumstance is considered bad strategy. This is the only time you'll ever see a batter cursing himself as he trots around the bases after smacking the ball over the left field fence.
Cycling Tour De France: Stages 14 & 15, 8:00a.m. Saturday and Sunday (NBC Sports Network & NBC Sports Network)
A group of female cyclists has started a petition to be included in the race. At least that would make testing for elevated levels of testosterone a bit easier.
TV La La's Full Court Life, 10:00p.m. (VH1)
Mrs. Carmelo Anthony is going to be the center of a whole lot of speculation as her husband heads towards free agency next year. It's probably best to postpone La La saturation for now. Questions, Comments, Suggestions? Send them to SI.TheLineup@gmail.com