Mustardite Brett Smiley here with you all week while Andy’s on Swimsuit duty in Miami. Send bar mitzvah hosting requests or tips to basmiley [at] gmail [dot] com or via Twitter @brettsmiley.
Hammered and Sickened
Look at the face of these hometown men's hockey fans (above), a steamy brew of "anguished," "devastated" and "not drunk enough." Russia's stunning 3-1 loss to Finland today unfolded as a comedy/tragedy on The Moscow News' Twitter feed, which offered commentary throughout.
The loss elicited a huge reaction from others on Twitter, as well. After the game, a grief-stricken Alex Ovechkin gave a wrenching interview (with CBC, not NBC, so no tears). Speaking of Ovechkin, Russia's coach Zinetula Bilyaletdinov totally chucked him under the bus. That said, under the bus may not be a bad place to be, since Bilyaletdinov anticipates getting eaten alive:
Q: What future, if any, do you see for your own work and for your coaching staff? Because, you know, your predecessor was eaten alive after the Olympics—
A: Well then, eat me alive right now—
Q: No, I mean—
A: Eat me, and I won't be here anymore.
Go to the Wall Street Journal for the remainder of that dark, cannibalistic exchange. And for some non-morbid Olympic men's hockey news, the U.S. whipped the Czech Republic, and Canada squeaked by Latvia. The North American teams will play Friday for the right to face the winner of the Nordic showdown between Finland and Sweden.
And, here's one last joke at Putin's expense.
This Guy Claims to Have Gone to Homecoming With Kate Upton
He says he broke up with her way back when -- but remains a high schooler at heart with mind-bogglingly absurd Reddit user name "coolsexguy420boner."
British Treasure Sir David Attenborough Narrates Curling
The voice of BBC's Planet Earth takes on the creatures of curling, and it's bloody brilliant.
Lovely Lady Round-up
At the request of loyal reader Vic D., let's begin the round-up with Swimsuit Legend Christie Brinkley, who looks as dazzling in 2014 as she did in '79, '80, and '81, when she covered the issue. A video with Christie is below. I also feel compelled to direct you to Marisa Miller's Legend gallery.
Elsewhere: Check out model Ashley Sky's slightly-NSFW jeans commercial, which wasn't kosher for TV, and here's some fine work by Russian photographer Alexander Tikhomirov.
Bill Murray Rips Homeless UNC Fan, Still Helps Him Out
A devout Illinois fan, Murray unleashed some playful frustration before breaking off a $10.
Another Small Mammal Checks Out Spring Training
On Monday a raccoon scouted the Yankees. Today, a possibly-rabid possum watched the Phillies before getting captured in a trash can.
The Legend of Meng (aka King Tonga)
There are people to avoid.
There are people who are dangerous.
And then there's former pro wrestler Meng.
Odds & Ends
Adorable U.S. hockey baby ... Awesome correction in the WSJ to a story about Brent Celek ... Just Wes Welker, his wife and a blow-up doll on vacation ... Oklahoma self-reported itself to the NCAA for the unforgivable violation of serving its players too much pasta ... Pitcher Tim Byrdak advertising his services like a used car ... LeBron called "The Decision" fiasco “The best thing that ever happened to me” ... Pitcher Casey Janssen proposed to his wife after jumping from a plane ... Some crazy donuts in Los Angeles ... T.J. Oshie's soccer-infused warmup.
1980's Ski Jumping
Title doesn't do anything for you? Fine, it's mostly disasters. [RSVLTS]
Rookie Sara Sampaio's Swimsuit Video
Many more videos of the rookie class and the rest of the Swimsuit crew here.
Comedian Verbally Abuses Wannabe Ric Flair
“The Internet is going to be happy with me" for standing up to the jerk, said comedian Grant Lyon. Right on, brother. [BroBible]