Mustardite Brett Smiley here with you while Andy’s on Swimsuit duty in Miami. Send bar mitzvah hosting requests or tips to basmiley [at] gmail [dot] com or via Twitter @brettsmiley.
Wish I could lead with better news, but the U.S. Women's hockey team suffered a soul-crushing loss to Canada in the gold medal game. The U.S. led 2-0 with less than four minutes left, before Canada came roaring back with two late goals, including one with their goalie pulled. The U.S. nearly put one in during a dramatic push in overtime, but Canada's Marie-Philip Poulin ultimately netted the winner on a power play. No shame in silver, ladies. USA hockey has a chance for border-battle redemption when the U.S. men's hockey team faces Canada tomorrow in the semifinals.
The only thing that's making me feel better about the loss is this video, although now it's kind of bittersweet. I'll watch it anyways and slam a box of Cheez-Its for comfort.
Stephon Marbury Celebrated His 37th Birthday In Bizarre-bury Fashion
Obviously, the mercurial point guard and current Beijing Duck wasn't going to have a chill dinner with friends. No, Marbury lay on the ground shirtless as his friends smashed his head and neck with birthday cake.
That Escalated Quickly
Until 8:20 p.m. last night, Kate Upton did not have an Instagram account. She gained over 50,000 followers in the first twenty minutes, and now she's up to 437,124. In other Kate Upton news, the story of her purported high school dance date was a hoax, the lesson being that you shouldn't trust anyone online with a username resembling "CoolSexGuy420Boner."
Lovely Lady Round-up
Meet Sharni Lee Robinson, an Australian glamour model and a new ZOO Weekly gal ... Celebrate "Yoga Pants Thursday" with The Roosevelts ... If you like women with some ink, head to Thunder Treats for Rebecca Fox ... Thanks to Brant L. for bringing Russian model Alyona Ponomarenko to my attention ... And if you haven't already, follow Andy on Twitter for pictures of the SI Swimsuit volleyball game and more.
47 Brand Sports Swag Giveaway
Boston-based sports lifestyle outfitter 47 Brand has a sweet package for us to give away consisting of (1) one Franchise Hat and one Snapback hat in the winner’s choice team (2) one Gametime Hood and (3) one Scrum tee and one Frozen Rope tee.
The first person to tweet me the GIF of a certain north-of-the-border basketball mascot suffering a fall on rollerskates gets the goods.
Update: We have a winner. You guys were quick. Here's the glorious GIF.
Netherlands Speed Skating Coach Rips ’Murica
Dutch coach Jillert Anema said "Americans always believe they're right, and that they're the best. But that's not true." Then he went on to proclaim that American football is a waste of time, talent and money. But he doesn't hate all American sports, adding that he likes … the Utah Jazz.
"Why Is Daddy Sad on Sunday?"
There's a hysterical Kickstarter project raising funds for a coloring book depicting miserable Cleveland sports moments. Writes the project's founder:
It's also about sharing the history with our children so they can appreciate why we cheer the way do, and more often, hang our heads in disbelief. At the very least, it is a great way for them to learn about Murphy's Law.
Odds & Ends
T.J. Oshie and women's Olympic hockey player Gigi Marvin were the 2005 "Frosty Festival" King and Queen ... Gold medalist Maddie Bowman’s grandmother is the best grandmother ... 8 lesser-known annual swimsuit issues ... Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski brought a staggering amount of jewelry to Sochi ... David Price is a matchmaker ... Serge Ibaka saved a guy who crashed on his bike ... Despicable Canadian hockey fan ... Coach Cal says Rick Pitino and Tom Izzo know nothing about social media ... A view of Sochi from outer space ... Happy 51st birthday to Charles Barkley ... Could a '90s porn star unlock the biggest mystery in 'Grand Theft Auto V'? ... This graph will tell you which states have the longest and shortest sex.
Hannah Ferguson Is a Stunner
Get more swimsuit videos here.
The Greatest, Laziest Pizza Delivery Ever
It's even got a narrator who sounds like a Guy Ritchie character. Four stars. [Next Impulse Sports]
Flag Time Lapse
Watch a guy carve a U.S. flag over a Canadian flag on an ice rink. [Thanks, Richard]
"From Russia With Love (But No Gay Stuff)"
Buddy Cole in Sochi. [With Leather]
The Colbert Report
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