We’re in the depths of the offseason. Free agency has been soaked up, mock drafts have been set and reset, and outside of constant, grating speculation of Manziel’s stock, there’s really not a whole lot to talk about when it comes to late-April NFL news. But that’s never stopped us before, we will always create conversation where there is no conversation, as the power of subjective lists is a vast and dangerous thing. But hear me out, we are in a bit of a renaissance for evil quarterbacks, guys like Ben Roethlisberger and Philip Rivers are still getting paychecks, with Manziel and accused crab legs felon Jameis Winston waiting listlessly in the wings. We are on the doorstep of one of perhaps one of the darkest periods in superstar history, and not even Andrew Luck’s throaty growl can save us. With that in mind, we went ahead and accounted for what we believe are the evilest quarterbacks in the history of our storied pastime.
Uncle Rico, Napolen Dynamite
Literally the worst qualities of man condensed into a single soul. Uncle Rico has it all, from depressing early-40s “I still got it!” machismo, to a creeping realization that his best years are tucked away in a locker somewhere in southern Idaho. Uncle Rico has been broken by his own delusions, left with only 7-step drops and a sinister sense of opportunistic exploitation. He’ll hit on your teenaged sister while overcharging for counterfeit tupperware.
Stan Gable, Revenge of the Nerds
With his boyish good looks and pompous demeanor, Gable more or less sets the standard by which other evil quarterbacks are judged.
Eddie Martel, The Replacements
More or less Stan Gable if he were 10 years older and had an awful soul patch. Given the impossible task of making Shane Falco seem likable in this truly awful movie. Just horrible.
Josh Framm, Air Bud: Golden Receiver
This kid is completely duplicitous with letting a dog play football for his team, which is both an ethical breach of team rules and conduct, as well as a severe animal rights violation. Framm is so caught up in the win-or-else culture of junior high athletics that he willingly straps a helmet to the head of a poor, clueless dog. Way to go Josh, (SPOILER ALERT) you won, but at what cost?
I don’t know anything about this man, but I do know that he was the first overall pick of the only draft in the history of the XFL. I’m pretty sure that guarantees you to be evil. Except he actually looks like a pretty nice guy, he might just be misunderstood.
Michael Vick, Madden 2004
Widely considered one of the greatest video game characters of all time, using Michael Vick in Madden 2004 was what one in gaming circles might refer to as "cheap." Gifted with the ability to throw the ball roughly 1.5 million yards on a frozen rope and run faster than the Millenium Falcon (how was that not his nickname?), Vick ruined the Madden 2004 experience for anyone tasked with playing against him.
And there was also all that other stuff he did.
Jake Wyler, Not Another Teen Movie
Jake Wyler has blood on his hands. He imbues an eager little freshman named Marty with the responsibility of an entire football season, only to watch silently as he’s literally torn in half by two cornerbacks who were simply trying to do their job. Wyler knew full well that Marty’s body was made of crackers and soda pop, but he can only feel alive when there’s blood in the endzone. Congratulations Jake, you won the game and snuffed out your waning humanity.
Orc, Blood Bowl
That’s not fair man you can’t wear chainmail to a football game.
J.D. McCoy, Friday Night Lights
If you try to take Matt Saracen’s starting job, you are an a**hole. There are no two ways about it. You fall out of all of our graces the second you try to bump Seven off the roster. I don’t care what the circumstances are, or what commentary you were trying to make about the small-town, hyper-politicized communities of Texas high school football, the original Matty Ice is untouchable. Honorable mention: Ray "Voodoo" Tatum, Friday Night Lights