Here's the First 2500 AD NFL Mock Draft
Several outlets, including our own, have rolled out 2015 mock drafts just days after the completion of the 2014 draft. While prognosticating the 2015 draft is all well and good, we decided to be a little more ambitious. With this in mind, here is our very first 2500 AD mock draft.
Houston Texans: Jadeveon Clowney, Defensive End
Per NFL rules, immortal players are required to re-enter the draft every 100 years. This will be the fourth time in the past five centuries that the Texans have selected Clowney.
Philancinnati Benagles: Johnny "Football" Manziel XXI, QB
One of the most storied franchises in the NFL finally drafts into the sports most storied family. The grandson of NFL commissioner Johnny "Commish" Manziel XIX, XXI is known for his inherited improvisational skills and unorthodox play that has allowed his ancestors to get thousands general managers fired. The Benagles, who are in their 222nd season since merging cities and franchises in support of their common goal to win just one Super Bowl title, think this might finally be the Manziel that works out.
London Jaguars: XAHFJAJK12ne, Narrow Receiver
A standout prospect on Saturn's largest moon, many have wondered whether XAHFJAJK12ne's athleticism will translate well to Earth's gravity. The son of legendary middle-ish linebacker FSnasAJLKnnnnnn, XAHFJAJK12ne possesses the pedigree (but perhaps not the vowels), to succeed at this level. The Jags are hopeful that this pick will bring the franchise it's first Super Bowl since they moved to London in 2015.
Cleveland Browns: Skynet, Everywhere
The Browns will go with a boom or bust prospect by selecting Skynet in the first round in the hopes that its all-seeing, autonomous power will result in the franchise's first spurt of prosperity in 600 years. Unfortunately, Skynet "sees all people as a threat that must be eliminated," which will surely lead to the team's eventual failure and ultimately doom mankind. Classic Browns.
Sector 93a Carbon Beings: JoWallabee *Shrieking Sound*, Offensive Linebacker Receiver
The Sector 93a Carbon Beings, who had the best record in the Pangea East conference but lost handily to The Moon in the playoffs, should trade up to get an immediate contributor in *Shrieking Sound*. The Offensive Linebacker Receiver, who won the Manziel Trophy given to the Most Footballest Athlete at the Collegiate Level, has a knack for using mental energy to hover above ground, making him a nightmare for Safetyish Back Corners to apprehend.
Thisskalu Supernovas: Ng'tuk tuk Mungallalalola, Scatback
The planet Thisskalu will make a big statement this year by drafting the first openly mutant player, Ng'tuk tuk Mungallalalola, to the Supernovas. There were questions about whether Mungalla's mutated DNA from the explosion of the nuclear core of the Dîruulka Space Station would create issues on the field, but it was ultimately decided that whatever advantages he might have were mitigated by the struggle he'll have to adapt his malformed lungs to the Earth's Cheeto-dust-based atmosphere.
Denver Broncos: John Elways, Every Position
Denver has always known the recipe to success: Their hero, the king of Denver, Mr. John Elway. Although Elway will have passed several centuries ago, as technology progresses, Coloradans will find a way to bring their football team back to glory by stockpiling numerous draft picks and then drafting a John Elway clone super team. Denver is hopefully that such a team will find more success than Terrell Owens clone super team of 2389, which played one quarter before every player demanded a trade.
Los Angeles Trojans: Justin Thompson, Running Back
Los Angeles' fourth most beloved NFL franchise will turn heads by selecting a running back in the first round of the draft, a position that will usually not considered until the final 530 rounds.
The New Old New York Polar Ice Caps:: Xerbic Oenon Xutek, Yet To Be Invented Position
Although he won't be born for another 466 years, advanced scouting analytics determine that Xerbic Oenon Xutek has all the intangibles to be the very best at a football position that has yet to be invented, and won't even be considered as a serious possibility for another 384 years. Although there is no practical information as to whether this player will ever exist or if organized sports as whole will still have a place in society by the year 2500, we're confident that this practice of creating future mock drafts based on absolutely no information is both necessary and stimulating.