Mustardite Brett Smiley in today for Andy. Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org or hit me up and/or follow me on Twitter @brettsmiley.
You Don't Know Jack
During the Clippers' season-ending loss to the Thunder last night, Jack "Staples Center" Nicholson left a couple poor kids (well, not poor, in those seats) hanging after they gestured for a handshake. He probably did them a favor, though: adolescence is filled with rejection.
On the other coast, the Pacers finished off the Wizards before D.C.'s fairly comatose home crowd (but not RG III and Wale, who made some noise and waved a popsicle), but at least these bros got on television with some brotastic chest thumping. Safe to say the Pacers have come back together -- check out the pre-Eastern Conference Finals "Solidarity Selfie."
Stranger Than Fiction: Cleveland Browns Edition
Browns quarterbacks coach Dowell Loggains revealed in a radio interview how Johnny Manziel influenced his selection by the Browns at 22 overall:
"We're sitting there and they keep showing Johnny on T.V. and Johnny and I are texting and he shoots me a text and he says, 'I wish you guys would come get me. Hurry up and draft me because I want to be there. I want to wreck this league together.'
"When I got that text, I forwarded it to the owner and to the head coach (Mike Pettine). I'm like 'this guy wants to be here. He wants to be part of it.' As soon as that happened, Mr. Haslam said, 'pull the trigger. We're trading up to go get this guy.'
Incredible. Forget about the Browns' $100,000 advanced study showing that Teddy Bridgewater would be best suited for the club. I grudged Draft Day with Kevin Costner for all its creative licenses, but apparently the Browns really do operate in such an emotional, haphazard fashion. If only Johnny had sent them a Snapchat an hour earlier, maybe he could have gone in the top 10.
Boo This Woman!
Watch a drunk female fan flip off a child for not throwing back the opposing team's home run. Have another beer, lady. This is still a distant second to coldly ripping a ball from a crying young girl's hands.
Lovely Lady Of The Day
Today's Lovely Lady is model Jennie Reid. I'm sure there's at least a few of you who caught the Star Wars swag first, not that there's anything wrong with that. Get more of Jennie at iheartgirls.com and follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
The Jameis Winston Crab Leg Security Video You've Been Waiting For
I want to see Mel Kiper Jr. break down this film. "Great downfield vision as he spots security. You can just tell this kid watches film."
Freddie Freeman Tore Up the Dancefloor at Dan Uggla's Wedding
Apparently this happened in December 2013. It's no wonder the Braves locked up Freeman for multiple years instead of Jason Heyward.
Hero Cat Will Throw out First Pitch
The other day a cat named Tara rescued a kid from a dog attack, and now she will throw out (somehow?) the first pitch at the May 20 Bakersfield Blaze game. Nice gesture, but Tara lacks opposable thumbs and might just prefer a giant bowl of Fancy Feast.
Odds & Ends
Speaking of cats, the Rice Owls football team helped secure a commitment from QB J.T. Granato by sending a recruiting letter to Granato's, yes, cat ... Nick Saban doesn't mince words on Pat White allegation: tells reporter to "Kiss my ass" ... Kevin Durant gave Bubba Watson his shoes after the win ... Mike Trout hit his first career walk-off home run, did not disappoint with celebration ... Remembering the "running of the toilets," a lost (banned) Preakness tradition ... So someone actually got “Express written consent” from MLB to play a broadcast ... Joba Chamberlain gives teammate Danny Worth a spirited massage, though it looks like Joba would make a better chef than masseuse ... Jacob deGrom singles (in first career at bat!) to break Mets pitchers' 0-for-64 batting futility streak to start the season ... 55-year-old Julio Franco returning to the diamond as a player/coach.
Rangers Prospect Dissects a Bat
Perfectly and unintentionally. [Always Sunny in Detroit]
TJ Oshie Auditions for Cover of Madden '15
His backup plan is to cover a baseball game. Check out these sweet bunting skills.
Alex Ovechkin Rides a Tank
Ovechkin and the Russian team had an off day before the IIHF world championship. [FTW]
Remember, Cats are Still Jerks
Although they rescue kids and help schools slyly recruit quarterbacks, let's not lose perspective.