Dan Treadway
Thursday June 26th, 2014

Guys, I'm sorry. Even though it seems like we've really enjoyed watching the World Cup, we all need to stop right now because political pundit Ann Coulter think we're destroying the country. On Tuesday afternoon, The Clarion-Ledger published a column by Coulter subtly titled "Any growing interest in soccer a sign of nation's moral decay." 

Coulter, heartbroken by the record-breaking ratings and support that World Cup has gotten stateside, has some pretty compelling arguments in her piece:

You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!

She makes a great point here. There's no other sport that America celebrates that utilization of one's feet. It's a well-known fact that Emmitt Smith rushed for more than 1,700 yards in 1992 using only his grit and patriotism. Coulter continues:

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

Guys, if you aren't rooting for injuries and personal disgrace during a sporting event, you might as well throw your patriot card in a fire and move to France right now. Also, Ann Coulter apparently attends some extremely brutal hockey and football games. But there was more:

I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

Seriously guys, it's been fun, but it's really time to stop destroying the fabric of this country by rooting for your nation's success. 

I can't imagine anything less patriotic than Teddy Goalsevelt:

 
Here you might see thousands of people cheering for the U.S., but all I can picture is the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves:

It was fun while it lasted, America. But now it's time to do the rational thing and just listen to Ann Coulter.

(You can read Coulter's full column here... buuut I wouldn't recommend it).

 

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