Is the SEC actually Sauron? Extra Mustard investigates.
Is the SEC actually Sauron? It’s a question that’s been asked since the beginning of time. It’s a fair thing to ponder; after all, we don’t have many reasons not to think the SEC resembles the pure embodiment of evil.
As a reputable journalistic institution, we can’t just ignore these accusations that Steve Spurrier was leading charges into Helm’s Deep. So with that in mind, we decided to break down the claim of the SEC/Sauron correlation (a claim that we made ourselves) into convenient lists of evidence for and against the SEC being Sauron. These are just the facts folks. It’s up to you to decide.
- Both are staunch traditionalists that are philosophically incapable of believing the world would be better off without their rampant influence.
- Both fuse their soldiers in a demented, underground forge, imbuing them with a basic sense of tactics, and using them up physically and mentally in about three years or so.
- Mordor actually looks a lot like Alabama.
- Both think they run the world just because they have a lot of rings or something.
- Both have exceptionally bad PR departments.
- Both regard the misty mountains of the north to be a banished wasteland that no person in their right mind would ever venture through.
- Both have tapped their influence into ordinary men turning them into empty vessels of obsession, like Gollum or Nick Saban.
- Both mostly get mainstream media attention because of how evil they are.
- Both are insidious enough to unite former enemies against them, like men and elves or the Big Ten and the ACC.
- Much as the pathways to Mount Doom have been lost through generations, nobody really knows how to get to Auburn.
- Unlike Sauron, the SEC has no fundamental vulnerabilities.
- While Sauron prefers his obsidian battlegear, the SEC has a lot of white uniforms.
- Sauron conquered almost the full extent of Middle-earth, but so far the SEC has only made it as far west as Texas.
- At the very least, Sauron's troops kinda look cool.
- By the existence of A.J. McCarron and Johnny Manziel, it’s clear that the SEC has actually turned the hobbits against us.
- Mordor is actually a nicer place to hang out than College Station.
- Ringwraiths are less scary than a comprehensively unfair system.
- Mack Brown will never return as Mack Brown the White.
- Sauron doesn’t pay his armies.
- Unlike Sauron, no man is brave enough to face the SEC.