Extra Mustard previews the 2035 Dolce and Gabbana Bowl: NYU vs Gonzaga
NYU Violets vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs
Dolce & Gabbana Bowl
San Siro Stadium (Milan, Italy)
December 19, 2035
This year’s electric bowl season kicks off on Wednesday with the inaugural Dolce & Gabbana Bowl at San Siro Stadium in Milan. With the addition of the curious Italian game this winter along with next week’s TMT Floyd Mayweather Bowl, there are now 245 bowl games in the span of 21 days, creating a three-week festival of corporate synergy and mediocre football.
The glut of Bowl slots led to two teams being given special NCAA grants over the summer to start football programs, which brings the Gonzaga Bulldogs and NYU Violets to San Siro field in hopes of securing their first victory of the season. It marks the second straight season in which there are no win requirements in order to reach bowl eligibility.
The Violets, led by head coach Lane Kiffin, arrived in northern Italy immediately following their season-ending destruction at the hands of USC, a demoralizing game in which they failed to run a single offensive play.
Kiffin brings with him a roster of philosophically-sound players, including Heisman Trophy hopeful J.C. Jacobsen. The freshman punter gave up a promising career as a freelance fantasy football consultant in August to pursue his college football dream, shocked the world by announcing last week that the Dolce & Gabbana Bowl will be his 13th and final game in an NYU uniform.
“Life isn’t about stupid gold statues, money or setting unbreakable records. While the ride has been fun with Coach Kiffin, it’s time to accept the next challenge as head coach of the Oakland Raiders,” Jacobsen told Extra Mustard. He is one of 84 Violet scholarship football players that have elected to retire from football or transfer following the season.
NYU’s fearless opponent, the Gonzaga Bulldogs, roll into bowl season with an underrated 0-0-12 record behind head coach Mark Few and quarterback Jonathan “Don’t Call me Manziel” Football (no relation to NFL Hall of Famer Johnny Manziel).
Few, in his first season as dual men’s basketball and football coach, is rumored to be building his bowl gameplan around the Isosceles Triangle scheme made popular by former Eagles quarterback and FOX Sports analyst Donovan McNabb.
“Donovan told me that he was the most brilliant football mind this world has ever seen so I believed him. His extensive awareness of statistics, martial arts, and aviary migration patterns led to his inclusion as our special assistant when our program was reincarnated 16 weeks ago and our players have responded very well under his tutelage.”
McNabb helped Few install the devastatingly effective TANTIF offensive system before the season. An acronym for “There Are No Ties in Football”, the system proved to be a major propeller for the devious Zags to finish the season without a single loss, but instead 12 emotionally-charged ties.
The inaugural Dolce & Gabbana Bowl kicks off at 3:00 AM Eastern on Wednesday on the Food Network.
Andre Doughty is a writer for Next Impulse Sports