The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday and it’s okay, we only just remembered also.
The actual race takes maybe five minutes(?), but for whatever reason, Kentucky Derby coverage lasts at least six hours. It feels like every year the race gets shorter but the coverage gets longer. Last year, American Pharoah won the Derby before going on the win the Triple Crown, but then didn’t win Sportsman of the Year and we found out horse Twitter not only existed, but was a very angry group of people.
This year, let’s not be angry. Instead, let’s celebrate with Extra Mustard’s Derby drinking game. Our race is more of a marathon, not a sprint. In any event, please drink responsibly. No one wants to be the horse who jumps out to a big lead only to finish in last.
Take a sip if
• You see someone wearing a seersucker suit
• You think a hat looks dumb
• Someone asks “how much longer until the race starts?”
• Bob Costas pretends this more than just an excuse to drink
• Anyone mentions a mint julep
• You question the very idea of man domesticating beast
• Announcers say the name “Victor Espinoza”
• A jockey’s outfit makes you shake your head
• Someone checks their phone during the race because they’re bored
Finish your drink if
• You think a hat looks cool
• If you bet on the wrong horse
• If you bet on the right horse
• Someone Crying Jordan’s a horse
• Someone you’re watching with is able to identify a jockey
Run a lap around your home if
• You see an athlete who looks like they may be getting suspended
• The winning horse has a celebrity owner
• Someone falls off a horse during the post-race celebration
• Sip slowly throughout the entirety of the race
Have fun watching the race!