Dan Gartland
Tuesday June 28th, 2016

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Everyone wants to sign Kevin Durant. No, seriously. Every team. Even the Hawks. How on earth is he going to choose where to go?

He’ll probably be looking for the situation that gives him the best chance to win and maybe helps set up a post-basketball career. That’s fine, but we have some other criteria for him to use.

  • Best restaurant by Yelp ratings: Eating is very important for a pro athlete, so we sorted Yelp by highest rated to find the best spots.
  • Best movie or TV show set in the city: What kind of impression does Durant have of his potential new homes?
  • Next most famous Kevin: Is he going to be overshadowed by a more famous Kevin? 

Durant is reportedly scheduled to meet with six teams: the Thunder, Celtics, Heat, Clippers, Warriors and Spurs. What does each city bring to the table?

Oklahoma City

Best restaurant

Tamales El Patio

The top spot to grab a bite in OKC is this no-frills tamale joint. Durant’s max contract will go a long way, since a dozen only costs $15.

Best movie

Twister

Does Durant really want to be reminded that nature can kill him at any time in Oklahoma?

Next most famous Kevin

Kevin Calvey

There’s a state senator from OKC named Kevin but he’s only been in office for two years. He once threatened to set himself on fire over a law. 

KD’s reaction

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Boston

Best restaurant

Piperi Mediterranean Grill

I can’t be certain, but I’d wager that all those years in cattle country didn’t help Durant develop a taste for falafel. Hopefully he’s open to trying new things. 

Best TV show

Cheers

Doesn’t Boston seem like such a friendly place?

Next most famous Kevin

Kevin Youkilis

Rob Tringali/Sportschrome

Sorry, KD. No matter what you do you’ll never surpass the Greek God of Walks in the hearts of Boston fans.

KD’s reaction

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Miami

Best restaurant

Cardon y el Tirano

​If the Heat’s pitch to Durant doesn’t start with the phrase “Venezuelan tapas,” they’re doing it all wrong. 

Best movie

Bad Boys

As much as I want to see Durant in a white Miami Vice suit, KD and D-Wade in Bad Boys-themed Heat ads would be much better.

Next most famous Kevin

Kevin Tomlinson

If he ends up in Miami, hopefully Durant doesn’t get into the same kind of trouble as big shot realtor Kevin Tomlinson.

“[P]olice say he tried to extort $800,000 from two high-powered brokers, known as ‘the Jills,’ and then grabbed for an officer’s gun during his arrest.”

KD’s reaction

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Los Angeles

Best restaurant

Rodini Park

If Durant is really feeling the LA vibe, this place has gluten-free pitas. 

Best TV show

That one episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is suspected of being the Smog Strangler

The last thing Durant needs is to get caught up in a case of mistaken identity and end up in jail. 

Next most famous Kevin

Kevin Love

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You know what SoCal native Kevin Love has that KD doesn’t? A championship.

KD’s reaction

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Golden State

Best restaurant

Saigon Deli Sandwich

You can get a banh mi or a taco, which is super cool. The New York Times approves.

Best TV show

Full House

If Durant moves to a new city, he’ll need a strong support system. Perhaps he’d like three older men to take him in. 

Next most famous Kevin

Kevin Federline

Kevin Federline isn’t from Oakland, but he is from the Golden State (he grew up in Fresno). Luckily for KD, you haven’t heard of Federline since like 2005.

KD’s reaction

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San Antonio

Best restaurant

Dresden Cafe

South Texas isn’t where you’d expect to find a German sausage joint, but here it is. Yelp users seem to like the German bratwurst Argentina style. 

Best movie

Miss Congeniality

Next most famous Kevin

Kevin Martin

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KD isn’t the only Kevin the Spurs could be chasing. After averaging 6.2 points in 16 games with San Antonio last season, Kevin Martin is a free agent. Which Kev will be the Spurs’ priority?

KD’s reaction

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See, Kevin? All these options have their flaws. Just please go ahead and sign with the Knicks.  

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