Look, you’re obviously not going to buy Marlins tickets this season. No one of sound mind is doing that. But have you ever considered, even if only as an academic exercise, what you would trade for a pair of Marlins tickets? An expired coupon for 15% off an oil change? Some dusty candy corn from under your couch? Perhaps a few weeks of accumulated detritus from your Ped Egg? Certainly not much, one would imagine, because the Marlins are really, really bad. They lose not only to virtually every team they encounter, but also to inanimate objects. They’re a train wreck that you can actually look away from, as evidenced by the millions of South Florida residents who would rather take a fastball to the trachea than watch nine innings of Marlins baseball. The team has resorted to closing its upper deck for weeknight games and is alone responsible for 40% percent of the attendance drop in MLB this season (and that doesn’t factor in those fans that were booted from the stadium by team-appointed police goons). Whether they’re offering free food or free tickets, it doesn’t really matter, because Marlins Park has all the appeal of a dentist’s waiting room with none of the free gingivitis brochures to help pass the time.