A month ago, who would've guessed that having
Yup, this Michigan coaching search is quickly becoming a disaster. A harmless process that once started with a few fleeting glances in the direction of Miles now seems destined to end with a handful of stalking charges and a subpoenaed Facebook account. Needless to say, things have not gone well. Perhaps the only question remaining -- aside from the zillion other questions remaining -- is whether the Wolverines will have a new coach before the general election of 2008.
No, folks, this isn't the kind of thing that
Indeed, the groundswell of confusion and awkwardness surrounding this vacancy is utterly confusing. With the carousel of Miles and
So how do we explain this? I was hoping you could help me. In order to truly understand this situation, there are several gaping holes that need filling. Maybe it'd work better if we just branded it as "Michigan Mad Libs."
Simply fill in the blanks below, then pair up your words with the story at the end of the column. Send in your responses and I'll post the most insightful essay next week. It's the best I can do to make sense of this all.
1) Type of job
I sat in front of my laptop this weekend brainstorming the answer to a predictably impossible question: assuming
But the problem is that no singular, notorious entity possesses enough evil to make this happen. Not
However, an organization could do it. An organization such as -- I don't know -- the NFL? Hypothetically, it's thinkable that, despite all Tebow's impressive accomplishments, the NFL could conspire amongst itself and one day expose him as a system quarterback with so-so passing skills and average speed compared to pro linebackers. I suppose this isn't beyond the realm of possibility, and it's something to watch for as Tebow embarks on his quest for a second Heisman, and perhaps the NFL Draft, starting in late 2008.
Naturally, this is all written with another assumption in mind -- the assumption that Tim Tebow won't annihilate the NFL and start his own league long before the NFL ever has the chance to get the best of him.
Can anyone really blame
But here's the real question: Is this actually an upgrade? Think before you answer. The last coach at Arkansas,
All that aside, I still think the Arkansas job is a better job for Petrino. That is, as long as the zoning board approves plans for a moat around his mansion with a black knight standing guard at the main entrance. Or at the very least, a strong deadbolt.
Believe it or not, they're playing basketball these days, and with college football plunging into the depths of irrelevance for the next month, we best be working a little 40 Minutes of Hell on the hardwood. (By the way, Campus Quick Slants will be with you throughout the college hoops season -- if you're into that sort of thing -- and we'll be transitioning to more basketball over the coming weeks.)
For my money, the real beauty of college basketball -- other than March Madness -- is the exaggerated nature of the commentary. Your name doesn't have to be
This week's winner is ESPN's
Uh, sure. Porridge is the panacea for a bad jump shot. Everyone knows that.
Both Kansas and Virginia Tech were in action this week, though it was a far cry from the Orange Bowl. You might remember how I compared the Jayhawks and Hokies to
And if you were wondering, both wrestlers were eliminated, though Blackman, in all his blandness, looked much more like an actual wrestler. Doink remained impossible to take seriously.
(Don't forget to send in you entry)
Upon learning that Lloyd Carr had resigned his post as Michigan's head football (1) ____ , Ann Arbor (2) ____ knowing that it'd have a legitimate chance at beating Ohio State next season. But once Les Miles ___ (3) ___ the position, things started getting ____ (4) ____. And after Greg Schiano rebuked an offer, fans started fearing a ____ (5) ____ the way _____ (6) _____ fears rehab. Now (7) ____ is (8) ____, up is down, and Michigan is no closer to finding a coach than (9) _____ is to becoming a(n) (10) ______ . So unless (11) _____ feels like offering any recommendations, the Wolverines may be forced to turn to the only consultant who can help. A bottle of (12) _____ .