Fearless Football Predictions
1. I predict that trash bins at security checkpoints at Dolphin Stadium next January 8 will overflow with cheap plastic imitation cutlasses and faux prosthetic "hooks."
The profusion of buccaneer regalia will be the result of Texas Tech's stunning appearance in the BCS National Championship Game, to be played that night, in that venue. (In addition to his obsessions with
2. I predict that title game will pit against each other a pair of guys who went clubbing together after the Heisman awards ceremony: Tech quarterback
3. I predict a phone call from an editor, because I really don't want to predict a Heisman winner.
4. I predict the Buckeyes will launch their run at a third-consecutive national-title game by taking down USC at the L.A. Coliseum on September 13 in what will be the lowest-scoring game of the season for both teams. Laurinaitis, fellow LB
5. I predict
6. I predict that, despite giving us our last two national champions, the SEC will be shut out of the title game due to its annual, in-conference fratricide. Aided by the absence of Gator-slaying Auburn on its schedule, Florida will get through October undefeated. But
7. I predict that Florida's crack sports info staff will compile a new statistic -- to be named "SYs" (as in SEE Ya!) or "PHMs" (as in, "Percy, Have Mercy!") to keep track of the number of defenders juked off their feet by
8. I predict that, after knocking off the Gators, Georgia will lose at Kentucky the following week. Game's got "let-down" written all over it.
9. I predict that
10. I predict that Mizzou will be undefeated going into its October 18 game at Texas, a contest Daniel, (a former Lone Star State prep star at whom the Longhorns turned up their noses) has had circled on his calendar for four years. I also predict the Tigers will still be undefeated on October 19.
11. I predict that Nebraska's defense will be drastically improved -- to the point where it achieves actual mediocrity. (It cannot help but be dramatically better than last year's semi-permeable unit, which gave up, to various opponents, 49, 40, 41, 45, 36, 76, 31 and 65 points.)
12. I predict that
13. I predict, while on the subject of Nowhere-To-Go-But-Up programs, that after losing a pair of games to the service academies in '07, Notre Dame will cut that number in half in 2008. (It helps that the Irish play only Navy this year, having dropped Air Force from their schedule.)
14. I predict that a popular brain teaser in the Big 12, in coming weeks, will be:
15. I predict that the third time will be the charm for Brutus Buckeye.
16. I predict that the coaches and players of the teams mentioned in these predictions will read them in the whimsical, droll spirited way in which they are intended, rather than bear a grudge, and take in vain the author's name, who was simply carrying out an assignment from an editor, for Crissakes.