The Dean's List

Welcome to the latest and greatest Dean's List, where we'd advise French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who recently had his bank accounts hacked, to follow Roger Federer's lead and keep that paper in a mattress.

• I knew Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor was going to be good, I just didn't think he'd be this good this soon. After a few less than stellar performances leading up to the Buckeyes' game against Michigan State, I thought Pryor would struggle facing a tenacious defense in a hostile environment. I was wrong. Pryor's brilliant play led Ohio State to a 45-7 pummeling against the Spartans. Neither his passing numbers (7-of-11 for 116 yards and one touchdown), nor his running stats (12 carries for 72 yards and a touchdown) are jaw-dropping on paper, but watching him play was sublime. Not only did Pryor make a statement by leading Ohio State to a 21-0 first-quarter lead, but he was almost impossible to tackle all game. If Pryor ever learns to actually throw the ball he's going to be scary good.

• Kansas State assistant basketball coach Dalonte Hill believes in the immortal words of Lil Wayne: "Got money and you know it, take it out your pocket and show it." In May, K-State let the world know Hill will make $420,000 a year for the next four seasons, which makes him by far the highest-paid basketball assistant at a public institution. Not bad for a former AAU coach who's only in his sixth season as an assistant coach. Some say it's unfair, but that's what you get when you bring the best player in the country to play ball in Manhattan, Kansas. Hill was Michael Beasley's former AAU coach and no doubt one of the main reasons Beasley briefly attended K-State. While the practice of paying assistant coaches hundreds of thousands of dollars to land former players can't make the NCAA proud, it's not Hill's fault he's taking advantage of a fallible amateur sports system.

• I had this crazy girlfriend in college who was really nice one minute and really crazy the next. She blamed it on her blood sugar levels. I wonder what the Maryland football team blames for its split-personality. Two weeks ago, Virginia shutout the Terrapins 31-0 and earlier this season, Middle Tennessee State beat them. Still, the Terps dominated ACC-leading Wake Forest on Saturday, 26-0. There's no way to know which Terrapins team will show up on game day. The Terrapins have now beaten three ranked teams this season while losing to two unranked opponents. They can now officially claim the title of "most consistently inconsistent college football team in the nation."

• Everyone thinks it's easy to be the coach's son, but it's tougher than it seems. Not only is there no favoritism, but daddy actually goes overboard to prove his son receives no special treatment. So pity Iowa offensive lineman James Ferentz, son of Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz. The freshman Ferentz received a citation for underage drinking last weekend and has since been suspended by his father from "all team activities." You know it's bad when the punishment is described like a military strike. Iowa athletic director Gary Barta called the discipline "strong and swift." Poor young Ferentz has found himself stuck on a deflating life raft smack in the middle of a perfect storm. Not only is daddy the coach, but Iowa is trying to clean up a program that has had 19 different players cited for various offenses since April 2007. Coach Ferentz was blunt in his assessment of the discipline, calling it "stronger than it has been in the past."

• On Saturday, No. 6 USC and Washington State played the most meaningless football game of the season. The Pac-10 contest was supposed to be a Trojan blowout and lived up to its billing. At halftime the Trojans already led 41-0. Quarterback Mark Sanchez had tied a school record with five touchdown passes while Cougar quarterback Kevin Lopina had only completed five passes. The refs could have stopped the game there and everyone would have been better off, but unfortunately there's no mercy rule in college football, and the two teams played a second half. USC shut out WSU 69-0. Things were so bad that USC backup quarterback Mitch Mustain only threw the ball once in the second half. WSU didn't throw much, either. For the entire game, the Cougars completed six of nine passes for 28 yards and had a mere four first downs.

• Have you ever seen that video where the lion fights the tiger? You're thinking that the lion is going to dominate, but instead it's the Tiger that wins. That's sort of like what went down in Ann Arbor last week when Michigan running back Mike Milano took on Michigan hockey player Steve Kampfer. Normally, I'd say the defenseman would have the upper hand on the running back if for no other reason than hockey players are programmed to fight. But hockey players fight in skates and Milano and Kampfer squared off on dry land -- advantage: running back. According to police reports, Milano body-slammed Kampfer to the sidewalk, causing injuries that could sideline the hockey player for the entire season. Of course, when lions and tigers finish fighting, they simply limp away and lick their wounds, but for humans there are consequences. Milano was suspended from the Michigan football team while being investigated for aggravated assault and Kampfer will have to wear a neck brace for the next 12 weeks.

• Quick: It's two months before the college basketball season kicks off and you are the leading scorer on your team and a preseason all-conference player. What's a good way to go and ruin your future? Try stealing a TV from an on-campus apartment. That's the charge against San Diego State forward Lorrenzo Wade. As a result, one day after being named to the preseason All-MWC team, Wade, who averaged 14.8 points per game last season, has been indefinitely suspended from the basketball team. Back in September, Wade knocked on the door of a woman's apartment to see if she could move her car. Police claim that when he found the door unlocked, Wade entered the apartment and stole a TV. Wade's attorney insists that while his client entered the apartment, he was not the one who took the television. Oh, that's a lot better. He was the one who watched his friend take the TV. Real smart.

• There are a couple topics that should never be mentioned on national television -- religion, politics, sexual preference and, as ESPN studio analyst Lou Holtz learned on Friday night, the Third Reich. Holtz was criticizing Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez when he said Rodriguez was a good leader of men, but "Ya know, Hitler was a great leader, too." (Holtz has since apologized.) Upon being told of Holtz's comparison, coach Rodriguez replied, "I don't know what his correlation is." That's a great comeback. Whenever someone insults you -- say, by comparing you to the world's worst mass-murderer -- you just say, "What's your correlation, man?" And BOOM goes the dynamite.

Wanna talk it over? Send all campaign donations and FBI files to Jacob.Osterhout@gmail.com.