The Pittsburgh Pirates hired Clint Hurdle as their manager on Monday.
In case you can't handle the suspense, here's how this one will play out:
"This was about taking an opportunity that felt sure and fit right," Hurdle said. "I felt comfortable with the people I was going to get after the job with. ... I'm proud to be a Pirate, and we're not going to back down from anybody."
The organization hires Joan Herz, long-suffering Pirate fan/certified sign language interpreter, to convey Hurdle's words to the deaf. Her translation: "I had no other offers. This job pays more than being a hitting coach. I've always dreamed of working with Lastings Milledge. If we win 70 games next season I'll be deemed a genius. Does anyone have some Skittles?"
Garcia uses the occasion to announce his retirement.
Asked to elaborate, Huntington starts quacking.
Informed the Royals are actually managed by Ned Yost, Hurdle grimaces. "Dude," he says, "just get me the hell out of here."