Thursday December 22nd, 2016

Editor's note: This is (obviously?) fake. Have some fun. Here's what we hope Birdman Santa was like back in 2009.

Sup bros? Super-stoked for Christmas this year, bro. Got so many toys in my bag for all those good kids around the world. Like, so many. Dropped almost 30 stacks on UFC Fight Pass cards for all the kids out there, bro. Some sick dusters, too. And everyone’s getting Converse. But not the low tops bro, those are whack. I’m talking high tops.

What’s that? My hat? Bro. I don’t need a hat, bro. This is aloe vera-infused hair product, I get it from this third-party seller on Amazon, he’s the only one that will ship up to the North Pole. Plus it goes perfect with my shades. These are Spy Optics, bro. It’s like Oakley only cooler and no one has them. You need to protect your eyes when you’re climbing down chimneys all night. Plus my eyes get real bloodshot, bro. I pound coffees on Christmas like it’s my job, bro. Cuz it is my job. I care about the kids you know? It’s the giving season. It’s not about what you receive, bro. 

But whatever, bro. Vixen, you got that Slayer CD? Pop it in. We gotta deliver some toys.

SI Apps
We've Got Apps Too
Get expert analysis, unrivaled access, and the award-winning storytelling only SI can provide - from Peter King, Tom Verducci, Lee Jenkins, Seth Davis, and more - delivered straight to you, along with up-to-the-minute news and live scores.