Tim Polzer
Thursday August 30th, 2012

Jose Canseco downplays the benefits of steroids. (Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

If any athlete knows steroids, it's Jose Canseco. In his VICE column, the former major league slugger and steroid confession author manages to tie-in his perspective on the Lance Armstrong illegal doping controversy using his twin brother, Ozzie, and the benefits of being a vampire.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it a million times if I have to: Steroids and other supplements don’t make you a super athlete. I have proof: my identical twin brother, Ozzie. Genetically... He used the same type of steroids I used and in equal amounts, and we followed the same workout routine and diet. So why was he just an average player?.. I think it’s so hypocritical when athletes are found to be using steroids, the media frames it like they’d be nothing without the juice.

Canseco, who now regrets writing his steroids tell-all book, "Juiced,"  makes the segue from inorganic steroids to inorganic lives including his envy of vampires and their ability to live forever.

Nothing organic lives forever. It’s an impossibility. But, given the opportunity, I’d definitely want to live for hundreds of years. Who the hell wants to die? I’m a huge sci-fan fan, and I love vampire movies. One thing I never understood is why anyone wouldn’t want to be bitten by a vampire. It’s like, what the ----? Are you kidding me? I’d become a vampire in a heartbeat. They’re immortal, they can fly, and they can time-travel… what’s so bad about wanting to become one? What’s the worst thing that can happen? You have to eat a few people now and then? That’s not so bad. The only downfall I can think of is that you’d outlive your children, but, of course, you’d do your best to make sure they became immortal vampires too.

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