Friday December 16th, 2011

Maria Sharapova is one of the biggest faces of women's tennis. (Kelley L Cox/US Presswire)

Maria Sharapova is known for many things. Shrieker, fashionista, three-time Grand Slam champion, and the second-most popular female athlete on the internet. But you know what we didn't know about Maria? She has jokes!

In a recent blog post on her website, Sharapova decided to interview herself for a holiday Q&A session for her fans. I doubt anyone thought, "that sounds fun!" since the current world No. 1 interviewed herself to mixed reviews at the Australian Open.

But as it turns out, Sharapova's interview was both intentionally and unintentionally hilarious, as she attempted (and usually failed) to poke fun at herself, all the while reminding us all that we will never live as glamorous a life as she does.

Here are my favorite parts of Maria's Q&A with herself:

1. Maria plays with English's tried and true rules regarding capitalization.

Maria asks: what is the best part of the Holidays?

Maria answers: what a stupid question! We're off to a terrible start already. What could possibly not be fun about the Holidays? You get to shop, stuff your face with yummy food, open presents, decorate the tree, and the list goes on and on.

No, I do not know why Sharapova insists on not capitalizing the first word of her sentences, yet capitalizing "Holidays." Eccentricity? Laziness? Typo? It shall remain a mystery until someone (*cough*not me*cough*) has the guts to ask for clarification at one of her press conferences in January.

2. Maria gives horrible gift-giving advice to herself.

Maria Asks: what is the best gift to give or receive?

Maria Answers: this is a tough one. I love beautiful china especially tea cups, I know that's an odd one. Sending an elegant winter bouquet of flowers will never disappoint. And a personalized candle is always a no brainer...I like the ones from LeLabo.

Let's go back and take a second look at this. Maria has asked herself what is the best gift to give or receive. She has responded by saying that an elegant winter bouquet of flowers will never disappoint. I take issue with that statement, Maria. I suspect that a young child who wanted nothing more than then new limited edition Xbox 360 that is painted like R2D2 would be quite disappointed -- nay -- very disappointed if he or she received an elegant bouquet of flowers, winter or otherwise.

And by "young child" I mean me. I really want that Xbox.

3. Maria pokes fun at herself for how much she eats.

Maria Asks: everyone knows you like food, a little too much apparently. So what are your favorites during the month of December?

Maria Answers: what a kind comment! Thank you for that. I do appreciate good food. And I appreciate it in quantities. Its either all or nothing. Smoked ham with mashed potatoes, some cranberry sauce on the side. Warm apple cider with peppermint bark. Not sure I have time to answer this question fully.

Look at you making jokes! Good effort. A-plus. Unfortunately you have made a horrible comedy error. It's great to be self-deprecating. It makes you seem accessible, down to earth, and, well, normal. But I fear Maria has fallen into the Tina Fey trap. When you rip on yourself on completely baseless grounds (Dear Tina Fey - You are not fat nor ugly) then the joke simply doesn't work. If Maria eats as much as her alter ego claims she does, then she has the metabolism of a Category 5 tornado.

Yes, I know that metaphor doesn't work because tornadoes do not have metabolisms. Just go with it.

4. Maria reminds you she is a tennis player.

Maria Asks: do you prefer to shop for presents with friends or alone?

Maria Answers: Solo. I am much more focused.

The woman never plays doubles. This answer was a given.

5. My life will never resemble Maria's life.

Maria Asks: what is the ultimate Christmas morning?

Maria Answers: waking up an hour earlier, putting on a cashmere robe, heading down to the kitchen to make a cup of expresso with some home made milk foam for everyone (i think thats called a cappuccino), turn on the only Holiday CD I own( I think its all about Rudolph, the red nose reindeer), sit around the tree and open the presents s-l-o-w-l-y.

• "Waking up an hour earlier." - Nope. Sorry. Not a morning person. Never gonna happen.

• "Putting on a cashmere robe." - A what?

• "Heading down to the kitchen to make a cup of expresso with some home made milk foam for everyone (i think that's called a cappuccino)." - Oh, you mean microwave up a mug of day old coffee and douse it with milk and sugar to mask the horrible "day old coffee" taste? Got it. I'm not sure the Italians have a word for that one.

• "Turn on the only Holiday CD I own, sit around the tree and open the presents s-l-o-w-l-y." - OK, on this we can agree. That would make for a very enjoyable Christmas morning. All in all, it was an enjoyable blog from Sharapova. Hopefully she has some more hard-hitting questions the next time around.

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