PFT Commenter
Thursday October 15th, 2015

Please be advised that the following extremely hot takes are intentionally SATIRICAL. By reading, you hereby acknowledge and agree that you are doing so at your own risk. All grammatical errors are (most likely) intentional.​


Heck, its been a pretty insane week in the world of hardball folks. So many October suprises I’m pretty sure I saw Bin Laden go 2–5 with a couple dingers for the Cubs on Monday. I’m starting to move baseball out of the “afternoon nod-off while hungover on my couch” column and into the “pretend that you’ve been totally into it all season when the playoffs hit” category.

But for all the great plays from players, great calls from the officials, and Rob Ford, there has been a noticable downturn in the qualty of sportsmanship. Whatever happened to beating a opponent and accomplishing a dream you’ve had since you were a kid without feeling the need to celebrate it? When I post a article on a sportsblog I dont stare down my editor, I put my head down and nap on my keyboard like a professonal. I mean, look no further then the hijinx from last night as bat-flippin Jose Bautista hit a meaningless 7th inning ding dong and tossed his bat away like a mix-cd from your middle school girlfriend who was way too into Timbaland and Magoo? 

[youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPnZS5QN4_c]

While some people out there are quick to apologize for the showmanship demonstrated by some of the games happier players, its incumbent on those of us who still have a ounce of intelligents to try and bring some sanity into the discussion. Many say that baseball has too many unwritten rules, but me on the other hand think that theres a strong case to be made the baseball is hamstrung by its dependence on all of its written rules. 

The game of baseball needs to be deregulated in order to streamline it, and make it more effecient. 

Eric Gay / AP

You can’t help but think back to the mid-90s when George W. Bush was a partial owner of the Texas Ranger’s, and he expressed interest in a career path that would of put him in the position of Commissionership of Major League Baseball. But due to outside forces beyond his controll like SEC invesitgatons into insider trading to finance the purchase of the ballclub, he decided he should porbably keep a lower profile and instead run for Govenor of Texas. But if W had become baseball commissioner instead of Governor and then President, you can bet your bottom dollar he would of deregulated the shit out of the game in order to make it more fair. Like most capitalists, Bush knows that the most economic way to improve the lawfullness of the game would actually be to completely deregulate the rulebook and let the players themselves determine whats cheating and whats not. Case-in-point would be the grittiest pitcher of all-time Jim Abbott who despite his physical limitatons didnt tolerate any Mickey Mouse theatrics from his opponets and proved that the invisible hand of the market will address what is fair and what is not.

All of the rules in regards to when a live ball is in play, and how many cords of pine-tar are allowed on your bat only serve to embolden the outlaws of the game. For example, how come theres written rules against a pitcher like basically having too many white leukonychia spots on there fingernails to the point that a hitter might mistake there cuticles for a baseball, but Jhonny Cueto can have his dreadlocks flapping all over the place giving him a more intimate tactile feel for the direction that the wind is blowing as he releases each pitch? Its gotta be a all-or-nothing situation for MLB rules-makers and the cheaters will allways stay one step ahead of the enforcement. 

The only reason we talk about the unwritten rules are because there so rarely broken to begin with so its shocking when it happens. Shows the game already has the infrastructure in place to police itself. Let players call there own balls and strikes. Offense makes the calls. Works in streetball because if you out there dictating charges and handchecks your gonna get strung up by your toenails on a chain net. As it stands now, your not allowed to stare at a home run for longer than the pitchers attitude changes from embarassment to anger, but you CAN throw a baseball a hundred miles a hour at someones head for bunting stealing second base when your winning by like more then 2 runs. It just creates confusion.

Chris Young / Canadian Press (via AP)

When Jose Bautista hit his dinger last night, he threw his bat up so high the Willis tower tried to build a plexiglass platform on it. It was like he was releasing it into the wild and forgetting that just because its called a baseball bat dosen’t mean it has wings,. You need to treat that thing like a tool to give you RBIs, not rabies, son. If the players were calling there own fouls he would of had to walk back to the batters box or risk getting dealt with.

If every rule was unwritten, first of all it would be impossible to make a spelling error when referring to them, it would render pace-killing instant replay irrelevant, and it would have the added bonus of bringing back the barstool argument over what is and what is not appropriate examples to be set for the kids watching at home while your at the bar.

So let this be a message to Major League Baseball, if you want to make your sport more competitive, more fair,and more consumer-friendly, just wipe out the damn rulebook already and let the players determine how they conduct their business on the diamond.

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