Before we get going, a huge thank-you to the Saints and Giants for putting up stupid-big offensive numbers. It’s one thing to have a your fantasy week destroyed because this previously dormant Saints offense woke up, but now you can take solace in the fact that someone else’s week got ruined because Eli Manning inexplicably threw six touchdown passes as well. Softens the blow, I think.
Seven touchdowns is a dumb number. Five is cool. Five is: "Oh, awesome. That guy had a really good week.” Six is a cool SportsCenter highlight. But seven? That’s overkill. And I know I’ve whined about the lack of offensive output all season, and this is completely hypocritical of me, but I played three teams with Drew Brees at quarterback this week and each matchup was done by 2 p.m. Pacific. Drew Brees torpedoed an otherwise lovely Sunday, and I’m bitter about it. Who dat say dey gon cast a dark shroud over an otherwise enjoyable brunch? Oh, I think you know, Drew Brees. I think you know.
After reviewing... If you had drew Brees on your fantasy. And you benched him lol.. You might want to cry— VERSACE SAVATGY (@versacesavatgy) November 4, 2015
Even though they lost, Eli Manning’s becoming the lone bright spot of the NFC East. If some horrid monstrosity is going to crawl out of that figurative football basement, it might as well be the Giants. That, at least, would give Patriots fans some unpleasant memories to sift through. Anything else will probably just elicit screams of “EW KILL IT” while we all argue over guaranteed playoff spots for division winners. Again. The system works!
The Rams turned it up this week, which prompted me to look back and see who won that bizarre Bradford-Foles trade. Bradford has more interceptions (10) than he does TDs (9) and averages a little more than 200 yards passing every game. Foles has half that many INTs, but decidedly fewer yards and touchdown passes. So who won? NOBODY. We all lost. Thanks for nothing, Chip Kelly. I know that trade was part of a wild and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to swing for Marcus Mariota, but still. Bleagh.
Hey speaking of Marcus Mariota, I think he died? That hype train got lost somewhere in rural Tennessee, where the conductor now resides in a cabin and drinks from large jugs labeled “XXX”.
The Rams have established themselves as mediocre but stout, and a lot of that has to do with Todd Gurley. It’s pretty cool to watch a rookie tear it up so thoroughly after tearing up his leg. Fun story, Rams. You’ll do great in LA.
The other two high-scoring backs this week were Ronnie Hillman and Charcandrick West. "Charcandrick" is not a real name and makes me wonder if his parents were going for something like "Charcuterie," but that just gets me back to my brunch that Drew Brees ruined.
Charcandrick West, DeAngelo Williams and Brian Hartline the highlighted scorers in fantasy this week. Like any of us have a clue in fantasy.— Cian Fahey (@Cianaf) November 1, 2015
C.J. Anderson also did O.K. this week. That’s two Bronco running backs in the Top 5 this week. That’s garbage. Running backs suck this year. Rounding out that bunch is Dion Lewis, who won the weekly coin flip that determines which Patriots back scores a billion points with no warning because Bill Belichick hates your fantasy team. Apologies to everyone who owns LeGarrette Blount. Did you know his middle name is “Montez”? That’s pretty cool.
Eight catches, 130 yards, three touchdowns. Odell Beckham might not be human. Well, either that or the Saints defense is DECIDEDLY human. But it was nice of ODB to pitch in on Sunday. Hey, enterprising football satirists: can someone finally bang out a playful rewrite of this old classic and make the chorus "Get Down With ODB"? I feel like this would have been done already. We're slacking as a society.
Marques Colston scored his first touchdown of the year this week, just in time for all of us to have given up and left him on the bench. Classy, Marques. REAL classy. Someone should sit that guy down and tell him that turning on the afterburners after the midseason point is rude.
Brandin Cooks had a good game, as one would expect (seven touchdown passes ... SEVEN!), but the real story there is Willie Snead, who sounds like a mustachioed henchman from a spaghetti western. And true to that name, he made out like a bandit this week. He’s only owned in roughly half of this year’s fantasy leagues, which might explain why nobody saw him coming. Cue honky tonk and victorious mustache twirl.
HOT TAKE: I think game-winning kicks should be worth more fantasy points. I dunno HOW we do this, I just want it done. Kai Forbath nailed one this week to put the Vikings over the top, which should be worth at LEAST an extra point. It’s a common enough occurrence, and it rewards a player for performing in a crunch time situation. Plus, and this is the real reason here, it tosses some extra chaos into the mix. I’m done with fantasy for normals. Gimme advanced statistics, baby. I need the HARD stuff. Ryan Succop was the highest-scoring player on the Titans this week, which says more about the Titans than it does about Ryan Succop. But still, kudos.
The Broncos defense is better than Peyton Manning is old. Which is insane! It’s not even like they made Aaron Rodgers look pedestrian Sunday night. He was just beleaguered and under assault from all sides. And when he DID hit a receiver, the guy was hit instantly. Denver straight-up eliminated yards after the catch. Here’s my question: What? They were 16th in the league in points allowed last season. I refuse to believe the difference between that unit and this one is Wade Phillips check out this old man burn:
This guy shut down the Packers? I call bulls---. His handle is SON OF BUM. I refuse.
Person who used to be good
Vernon Davis is off to Denver. Normally I’d assume that means he’s about to explode like a glorious touchdown phoenix, but that Broncos team looks dangerous on D and on the ground. Tread cautiously with that knee-jerk impulse to snag him off waivers.
Person who is still good (Andre Johnson, you are awful and I hate you)
I’ve directed so much hyperbolic vitriol his way this year that it’s starting to become, you know, real. What the hell, Andre Johnson? Pick a damn side.
Person you should creepily tweet a thank-you at
I’m not done with this.
Chicken Parm tastes so good-I like it especially with Cheese— Wade Phillips (@sonofbum) November 2, 2015
Chicken parm COMES with cheese, Wade. It’s in the damn name! That’s like saying you prefer your spaghetti bolognaise with meat sauce. It’s an inherent part of the dish! I wouldn’t be so annoyed about this, but Wade looks like the kind of guy who knows his way around a Sbarro. Clean it up, Wade. Maybe workshop these owns before the playoffs. I have a hunch you’ll be coaching in them.
Have a great week, everyone.