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Is This Your Franchise QB?

April 29, 2013
April 29, 2013

Table of Contents
April 29, 2013

LEADING OFF
THE MAIL
NBA PLAYOFFS
BASEBALL
  • LAST SEASON WAS THE YEAR OF TROUT AND HARPER, BUT THERE WAS A THIRD BRO FROM THE ROOKIE CLASS OF 2012 WHO LEFT HIS MARK IN MORE SUBTLE WAYS. HEED THE WORDS OF HIS BUDDY BRYCE: MANNY MACHADO'S CAREER IS ABOUT TO GET REAL LOUD, REAL SOON

  • MANNY MACHADO'S ADEPT HANDLING OF THE HOT CORNER SHOULD NOT PREVENT THE O'S FROM MOVING HIM BACK TO THE MIDDLE

FILM ROOM
CELTICS 5
GREGG POPOVICH
  • Pop Art 60

    HOW GREGG POPOVICH—A FOODIE, FORMER SPY (MAYBE), RUSSIAN LITERATURE LOVER, FRENCH NEW WAVE CINEPHILE, WINE ENTHUSIAST, CURMUDGEON, FATHER FIGURE, DEFENSIVE GURU TURNED OFFENSIVE MASTERMIND AND THE LONGEST-TENURED COACH IN AMERICAN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS—CREATED A MASTERPIECE IN SAN ANTONIO

Departments

Is This Your Franchise QB?

PAUL CREWE OR JOHNNY UTAH? AND WHAT ABOUT RIFLEMAN? THE 2013 DRAFT IS SHORT ON QUALITY QBS, BUT HOLLYWOOD IS LOADED WITH THEM. WE HIT THE FILM ROOM—AND YOUTUBE AND NETFLIX—TO SCOUT MOVIEDOM'S TOP SIGNAL-CALLERS

1. RENO HIGHTOWER

This is an article from the April 29, 2013 issue

(Kurt Russell)

The Best of Times

Strengths

The hair, the smile, the cannon arm, the white shoes. A potential franchise QB with an alltime name.

Weaknesses

Decision-making (while it worked out, trusting any character played by Robin Williams to make a big catch is questionable). Balky knees.

NFL equivalent

Johnny Unitas, with an epic mullet and the ability to tune an engine.

2. FLASH GORDON

(Sam J. Jones)

Flash Gordon

Strengths

Onetime Jets savior displayed precise arm in dropping Emperor Ming's henchmen. Forward-thinking re: self-promotion (wears "Flash" shirt, even off the field). Protects Earth from evil.

Weaknesses

Romantic two-timing (Dale Arden, Princess Aura) evidence of indecisiveness.

NFL equivalent

Onetime Jets savior Tim Tebow.

3. PAUL CREWE

(Burt Reynolds)

The Longest Yard (1974)

Strengths

Scrambling. Chest hair. Shows team-building skills in recruiting other cons for Mean Machine. Notoriously accurate, especially when targeting prison guards' private parts.

Weaknesses

History of point shaving is a red flag.

NFL equivalent

Mark Sanchez for looks; Joe Namath for ability; Art Schlichter for the company he keeps.

4. DAVID GREENE

(Brendan Fraser)

School Ties

Strengths

Runs the read-option to perfection. Excellent dancer. Adheres strictly to honor codes. Brains got him to Ivy League.

Weaknesses

Steals teammate's girlfriend, the type of behavior that will poison a locker room. Public dancing could turn into public embarrassment in age of cellphone cameras. QBs with his name have historically flopped.

NFL equivalent

Jay Fiedler, for academics if not ability.

5. JOHNNY UTAH

(Keanu Reeves)

Point Break

Strengths

Quick hands (can catch a Rottweiller mid-stride). Unchanging expression suggests unflappability (or perhaps just bad acting).

Weaknesses

The knee (can plant and throw but cannot chase down culprit in tuxedo). Recklessness (jumps out of a plane without a parachute).

NFL equivalent

Rob Johnson, with more civic responsibility.

6. JOE PENDLETON

(Warren Beatty)

Heaven Can Wait

Strengths

Movie-star looks. Can return from the dead.

Weaknesses

Indecisiveness—pick a body and let's move on.

NFL equivalent

A clairvoyant Vince Ferragamo.

7. WILLIE BEAMEN

(Jamie Foxx)

Any Given Sunday

Strengths

Confidence to shoot a music video two starts into his career.

Weaknesses

A bit soft: booting all over the field is not cool. And when Lawrence Taylor lectures you for being out on the town, you may have a self-control problem.

NFL equivalent

Donovan McNabb for the throwing-up thing, Vince Young for the shirtless-at-the-club thing.

8. SETH MAXWELL

(Mac Davis)

North Dallas Forty

Strengths

Bounce-back-ability: Can play full game after a night hot tubbing with groupies.

Weaknesses

Failure to stick up for best friend, teammate Phil Elliott, betrays a certain selfishness.

NFL equivalent

Character was based on Don Meredith, so we'll say Don Meredith.

9. BIRD WILLIAMS

(Mykelti Williamson)

Wildcats

Strengths

Throws beautiful deep ball. Works comfortably with female coaches. Can easily obtain video equipment for film staff.

Weaknesses

Petty theft and fencing stolen goods to teammates are likely violations of NFL morals clause.

NFL comparison

Steve Young, if Young were a kleptomaniac. If.

10. JIMMY DIX

(Damon Wayans)

The Last Boy Scout

Strengths

Cross-generational appeal (NFL has-been lands a young Halle Berry). Rocks those leather pants.

Weaknesses

Self-loathing. Substance abuse. Point shaving.

NFL comparison

None, really. Few pro QBs wear leather pants.

11. FRANK CUSHMAN

(Jerry O'Connell)

Jerry Maguire

Strengths

Talent had Broncos and Chargers salivating. Guitar playing.

Weaknesses

Football father might micromanage him into obscurity. Don Meredith aside, SMU has lousy NFL QB track record. Only knows one song.

NFL equivalent

A top overall pick engineering a move away from the Chargers to the Broncos evokes shades of Eli Manning and John Elway.

12. SHANE FALCO

(Keanu Reeves)

The Replacements

Strengths

Adaptability (boat washer--turned-QB). Quick-drive capacity (makes it from boat to stadium in the space of halftime).

Weaknesses

Lacks confidence—except when it comes to asking out cheerleaders, a clear violation of team rules.

NFL equivalent

1987 replacement QB Sean Payton.

13. RONNIE (SUNSHINE) BASS

(Kip Pardue)

Remember The Titans

Strengths

Great hair. Cannon arm. Toughness of a young Bert Jones (upends star nose tackle from Groveton). Kiss on teammate shows refreshingly progressive attitude.

Weaknesses

Cannot run the pitch-option. Buckles when confronted by coach.

NFL equivalent

A rich man's Blaine Gabbert.

14. RIFLEMAN

(Walter Briggs)

All the Right Moves

Strengths

Comes from western Pa., a QB hotbed. Great deep ball. Better nickname.

Weaknesses

Refusal to audible away from clearly terrible play call (i.e., a handoff in a torrential downpour when taking a knee would suffice).

NFL equivalent

Randall Cunningham's arm; Joe Pisarcik's game management.

15. JONATHAN MOXON

(James Van Der Beek)

Varsity Blues

Strengths

Always on toes. Sitting behind Lance Harbor, you have clipboard duty written all over you—but Mox was ready.

Weaknesses

Passed on a whipped-cream-clad Ali Larter. Chose Brown instead of walking on at Texas and having an Applewhite-ish career.

NFL comparison

A WB version of Frank Reich.

16. PAUL BLAKE

(Scott Bakula)

Necessary Roughness

Strengths

Overcomes fact that best blocker is two-way lineman Sinbad.

Weaknesses

Makes Brandon Weeden look young. Not smart enough to stay out of bar brawl with Texas jarhead. Glacial foot speed.

NFL equivalent

An even slower Greg Landry.

17. JOE KINGMAN

(Dwayne Johnson)

The Game Plan

Strengths

Proves to be standup guy when eight-year-old daughter arrives out of nowhere.

Weaknesses

Size, skill set seem better suited to defensive line (or professional wrestling).

NFL equivalent

Jim Druckenmiller—too much time in the weight room.

18. CAP ROONEY

(Dennis Quaid)

Any Given Sunday

Strengths

Cagey veteran. Fictional accolades too many to enumerate.

Weaknesses

Back and backbone. An injury to the former opened the door for Willie Beamen. Lack of the latter kept him from standing up to social-butterfly wife.

NFL equivalent

Tom Brady with a less-awesome spouse.

19. JOE KANE

(Craig Sheffer)

The Program

Strengths

Catch phrase—"Let's put the women and children to bed and go looking for dinner"—has clear marketability.

Weaknesses

Self-destructive. Father issues. Susceptible to SI cover jinx.

NFL equivalent

An even more messed-up Schlichter.

20. JOHNNY WALKER

(Anthony Michael Hall)

Johnny Be Good

Strengths

Survives entire film alongside young, pre-rehab Robert Downey Jr. Past that, none.

Weaknesses

Cocky. Corruptible. Lacks comedic skills. Universally disliked (film has a 0% score at Rotten Tomatoes).

NFL equivalent

None: He'd be ruled ineligible before taking a snap.

CASE FOR THE DEFENSE

NFL DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR J.J. WATT TAKES ON HOLLYWOOD PASSERS

Which QB would you get the biggest thrill out of sacking?

The guy from Dallas Carter High in the Friday Night Lights movie. I'd hit him so hard, it'd knock the sucker right out of his coach's mouth. Go, MOJO!

Are there any who'd give you a hard time?

None. I can tell you who I wouldn't have trouble with: the Georgia Tech QB in Rudy. He seemed to go down pretty easy.

Which fictional team would you want to play for?

Remember the Titans? Julius Campbell and I would've made a mean one-two punch.

You need a female co-star—who's it going to be?

Jennifer Aniston. Franchise pick.

Know anyone else who'd make a good Hollywood player?

Two of my Texans teammates: [Tackle] Shaun Cody has movies written all over him, and I could see [center] Ben Jones being on Duck Dynasty.

Pick an agent: Jerry Maguire or Bob Sugar.

Sugar was shady. Jerry was all off-field drama. I'll stick with mine.

And this being Hollywood, you need a catch phrase....

To quote a great American hero from the newsroom at Ball State University: "Boom goes the dynamite!"

SI.COM

For more Hollywood QB coverage—including celebrities' picks and video of Paul Pabst and Andrew Perloff debating their lists—go to extramustard.si.com

PHOTOPhotograph by PARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFESTCLOSE SHAVE From the championship-caliber arm to the chest hair, Crewe looks the part of an NFL leading man, but blemishes on his character keep him out of the top spot.PHOTOPHOTOPLUS MAGAZINE/GETTY IMAGES (CLAPBOARD)PHOTOUNIVERSAL CITY STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST (HIGHTOWER)PHOTOUNIVERSAL/PHOTOFEST (GORDON)PHOTOEVERETT COLLECTION (CREWE)PHOTOPARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (GREENE)PHOTOPARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (PENDLETON)PHOTO20TH CENTURY FOX/PHOTOFEST (UTAH)PHOTOWARNER BROS./PHOTOFEST (BEAMEN)PHOTOJOHN BIEVER/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED (WATT)PHOTOPARAMOUNT PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (MAXWELL)PHOTOPARAMOUNT PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (MOXON)PHOTOWARNER BROS./PHOTOFEST (WILLIAMS)PHOTOWARNER BROS./PHOTOFEST (FALCO)PHOTOGEFFEN PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (DIX)PHOTOTRISTAR PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (CUSHMAN)PHOTODISNEY/PHOTOFEST (BASS)PHOTODISNEY/PHOTOFEST (KINGMAN)PHOTO20TH CENTURY FOX/COURTESY OF WB BRAND CIGARS (RIFLEMAN)PHOTOPARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (BLAKE)PHOTOWARNER BROS./EVERETT COLLECTION (ROONEY)PHOTOBUENA VISTA PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (KANE)PHOTOORION PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (WALKER)