Designated Read: The coonhound in winter

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Sorry, ma'am, but we are fresh out of Rocky Bottom jokes. Because the conclusion of a two-year NCAA investigation, a series of PR pratfalls and a sobering medical announcement concerning the school's most beloved coaching legend aren't enough trauma for one week, let's go ahead and dismiss Tennessee's best player from the football team 10 days before the Vols' first game, eh, gridiron gods? The ousting of Janzen Jackson neatly bisects Lane Kiffin's one recruiting class at Tennessee into the half that remains with the team and the 11 players in the wind. Rocky Top!

Not better. Charges have been filed in the death of former Vol and Crimson Tide offensive lineman Aaron Douglas.

We're going to have to come up with a name for this game. That fun cocktail party pastime we all cooked up last year to reward the best guess for just how many UNC Tar Heels football players would sit out the season opener? We're revamping it for Miami, right?

No, seriously, they'll still win 10 games. Just watch. Police are predicting arrests in connection with last week's Baton Rouge bar fight that allegedly involved four LSU football players. Bayou Bengalspractices are continuing apace, and Les Miles is, of course, "preparing as if a happenstance would occur." Gotcha.

Serious question; we've lost count. How many active quarterbacks, exactly, remain on Ole Miss' roster with the disorderly conduct arrest of Randall Mackey, which itself follows the expiration of Jeremiah Masoli's eligibility, the transfer of Nathan Stanley and occasionally dangerous academic cutoff dalliances of Zac Stoudt? At least one, in the form of West Virginia transfer Barry Brunetti, who's been named the Rebs' starter by hilarious attrition. If Houston Nutt still has any lug-armed quarterbacks lurking in the army of juco players he's got stashed all over the state, now'd be a great time to finesse one into school.

Two Scotts and some problems. Texas safety Christian Scott is reinstated to the Longhorns and will serve a three-game suspension for misdemeanor assault charges. Richmond head coach Latrell Scott is out the Spiders' door following a DWI arrest.

Attritioooooon ... attrition! Deep breath: Je'Ron Stokes is gone from Michigan; Lache Seastrunk is all but in the fold at Baylor (whatever will that do to the state financials, armchair economists?), and Markeith Ambles is out at USC thanks to academic lassitude, bringing to an end an 18-month long odyssey of "Trogan" jokes.

He who walks behind the rows allowed it to escape. The universally reviled CyHawk trophy that for some reason featured a family presenting Nick Saban with a gift of corn has been tossed in the chipper.

Wrap with a smile.

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