Designated Read: Not sponsored by Coke

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In which the Coca-Cola Company is missing out on a vital branding moment:"They said realignment could never be halted, but they also said you can't get great Coke taste and zero calories!" We need a Verne Lundquist, somebody sublimely skilled at dropping sponsor mentions into game coverage, to get on a mic somewhere and keep us posted on realignment this and conference implosion that. His chortles would be soothing balm to fingertips chafed by typing, erasing and re-typing OMGZ THE BIG EAST IS TEH DOOMT.

This is Dan Beebe's happening, and it freaks him out: But anyway, in case you went to bed before the local news flickered off last night, here's what you missed regarding college football's apocalyptic squaredance 2K11: The Pac-12 will remain the Pac-12 for now, and that plan doesn't involve adding or subtracting an untold number of schools but leaving the number the same in exasperating defiance of math, like some other conferences we could name (but not count). Andy Staples thinks the league is serious. George Schroeder says the Longhorn Network was a dealbreaker. Staples has a big bunch of words on the thankless topic here, and that's where we are for the moment. On the off chance anybody needs Dan Beebe today, he's spinning endless circles in a grassy field and  target="_blank">singing the Wendy part.

They stopped the war, but not the dying: However! Still in play are: The Big East, busily luring service academies and fielding advances from East Carolina. The SEC, whose callous dismissal of West Virginia displays an ignorance of intangible values.

It's being handled by top men: And still wiggling violently is Missouri, which will hopefully keep this up for at least a week so I can exhaust the store of Indiana Jones jokes I amassed once I learned the university has a board of curators.

Giveth, taketh: Arizona State's Junior Onyeali will miss at least six weeks of action after tearing cartilage in his knee. Illinois' Nathan Scheelhaase is on track to start for the Illini this weekend after a scare with his shoulder. Miami's Seantrel Henderson has yet to return to practice.

Roster dance! Oklahoma has suspended Trey Franks for the Ever-Popular-And-Mysterious Violation Of Team Rules.

Quote of the day, I: "I come to work today, I may be wearing a throwback shirt, I don't know." -- Chip Kelly on his Pac-12 gear (via George Schroeder)

Quote of the day, II: "I've been to junior high dances (not recently, I should add) with less awkwardness and misguided drama than the Big 12." -- David Ubben

Quote of the day, III: "Look at that mohawk. He has to be ready."  -- Tennessee's Matt Milton, on teammate Da'Rick Rogers preparing to replace injured Vols star Justin Hunter (via GVX247)

Wednesday whimsy: Al Golden has all these feelings. Georgia Tech is inordinately proud of the whuppin' it gave Kansas. Michigan has decided that maybe an alleged trafficker in college football memorabilia shouldn't have press access to its program. Mississippi State's blacking out. The Longhorn Network penetrates deep. Hey, Brian Cushing on a t-shirt!

*Coke does not sponsor this blog, but I would cheerfully accept free cases of Cherry Coke Zero if offered. Blogger's gotta stay awake to keep up with realignment.