Designated Read: Vols, clear this fiery hoop

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Sure do like pumpkin, Cotton: One never likes to see one's alma mater figure in the lead of a story with Charles Robinson's byline, but in this case, the material could not be any less shocking: A Lane Kiffin assistant who quit abruptly at the beginning of the 2011 season has been implicated in unsavory dalliances with Willie Lyles while at Tennessee! Clutch those pearls! The University has, so far, been reasonably adept at skating out from under hammers swung in the direction of the Kiffykins regime; let's see how it clears this fiery hoop.

Whose toothbrush goes where? The SEC is redecorating for the arrival of Texas A&M, while the ACC moves with the alacrity of ACC referees in determining whom to poach for further expansion.

UR A HATER AND I CAN PROVES IT: CBS' new AP voting viewer tool can uncover regional bias in all your least-favorite sportswriters! Be sure to e-mail them all immediately and tell them what classless haters they are! We all love to get those letters, because we like to cry into the sad husks of integrity that contain our miserable reasons for existing. (No, I don't have an AP vote, because do you see UTEP in the Top 25? See why they don't give me an AP vote?)

Speaking of which, hater down for the count: Am simultaneously appalled at Geoff Calkins' naked hustle and sympathetic as someone who finds it difficult to observe Memphis football even once a week.

Time 2 vote, for somebody else: There's an obviously fakeChris Rainey Twitter account set up to promote Florida's speedster for Heisman, and I'm sort of sad it's not actually him, because I'd love to get in on funding a billboard that proclaims "VOTE CHRIS RAINEY, WHO IS AS SKILLED AT FOOTBALL AS HE IS AT INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS." It's a hit!

It was already in the glass, bloggers: I dragged two former colleagues with me around and through Morgantown this past weekend, and if you've had enough reading about the actual football, check out what two guys used to such disparate tailgating environments as Gainesville and Oxford had to say about the WVU scene. (And stay tuned for a gameday photo gallery from yours truly, dropping later this afternoon.)

All right, but as long as everybody on it still plays for Indiana, not better: The Hoosiers are performing a wholesale reshuffling of the depth chart. Who knows what that'll fix, since the guys left off the two-deep were presumably playing worse over the summer than the guys who just lost to North Texas.

"John Brantley? This deal's getting worse all the time!" Will Muschamp doesn't have the RAM for your Star Wars references, sirrah, because all his processing power is taken up with tackling stats and squalling. The internet at large has kindly stepped in to make all the Muschamp Star Wars references you could ever need or want.

Nice problem to have: Bawww, widdle Ducky defenders get sweepy while their offense runs up 70 points in nine minutes, bawwww.

Giveth, taketh: Dan Persa, de-ruptured! Tenarius Wright, not so lucky. And Tennessee's mascot must have lined up at middle linebacker.

Tuesday whimsy: Any new Mike Leach book is an auto-rec. Bob Stoops has a BFF clause in his contract. Here, enjoy this video of Penn State's trainer target="_blank">falling off an injury cart. The NCAA's compliance blogger uncovers a cool Canadian scholarship rule. And while he's no longer technically college football news, somebody's got to figure out a way to save the NCAA's all-time greatest gridiron tweeter.

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