A Thousand Points of Spite: Week 9 Judginess

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Scariest Halloween costume.Oklahoma State's defense as ... a defense! Were they supposed to be OU, while holding Baylor scoreless for a half? Read more from Stewart Mandel on how the 'Pokes have basically played two more full games on defense than have the ballyhooed Crimson Tide defenders.

Least needed form of identification.Vince Dooley's"Hello, My Name Is Vince Dooley" nametag at a Georgia WLOCP soiree.

Best future statue in the making. The rest of his career will have to play out before the powers that be in Columbus decide just how deserving he is, of course, but an oversized metal likeness of Braxton Miller winking and a plaque that reads, simply, "We're all right," would be a cool counterpoint to Tim Tebow's enshrined blubberings.

Biggest moving target. What on earth are we supposed to do with Penn State? I had them pegged in our midseason predictions as my second-half flop team, but here the Nittany Lions are at 8-1, undefeated in league play despite clocking as the nation's 101st-best offensive team and having, at best, one third of a working quarterback on the field at any given time. Still think they're easy bets to go on a three-game losing skid to end the season, with Nebraska, Ohio State and Wisconsin awaiting beyond the bye, but not if an on-call pack of sorcerers and an apparently vengeful weather god have anything to say about it. Honorable mention:Virginia, with whom we're having the opposite problem at 5-3.

Most inconvenient truths.Snow games came early this year, in at least four locations we caught over the weekend. The resulting conditions on the field ranged from heartwarming (who cares about the weather when target="_blank">Eric LeGrand's up and around and carrying an axe?) to repellent to nearly impenetrable to actually impenetrable.

Best reason to watch for a sternly-worded letter. Ugh, Riley Nelson will probably be target="_blank">disciplined for this, won't he? Can't have athletes enjoying themselves in the field of play, can we? (Did we ever hear what became of target="_blank">Sam Montgomery?)

GameDay sign of the century. How on earth has this acrostic never been thought of before, or at least never been televised? (You'll know the one I mean. Very, very mildly NSFW.)

Rictus of the Week.Houston Nutt, your face never ceases to amaze and entertain.

Fleetingest ratings appearance.Hail and farewell to Texas Tech.

Player of the week, in the sense that Baylor kicking a field goal down 42-0 in the third quarter was the play of the week.Vontaze Burfict's goal-line stand heroics followed directly by a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty remind us why he's always one to watch, one way or another. Grape job, kid!

grape job

Offensive play of the week, in the sense that we can't stop watching it and clapping like a drunken seal. The box score will read, "Andrew Luck, 62-yard touchdown pass to Chris Owusu," and there's just so much more here to unpack. Defensive play of the week:Robert Golden. target="_blank">Oh, my.

Second-best pork-based traveling trophy.

retention of the delightful Floyd of Rosedale

target="_blank">bronzed rack of ribs