The SEC's new TV network sure is coming, probably

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This is on the first page of image search results for Bill Dance. Look, we just work here. (AP)

This is on the first page of image search results for Bill Dance. Look, we just work here. (AP)

This has to be Mike Slive's plan, doesn't it? To tease the formation and launch of an SEC network so many times over the course of so many months that by the time a date actually gets set, every possible fake TV show that we could ever hope to see on it has already been thought of, and we're all too spiritually exhausted to protest whatever quality of product results.

Would Slive and his underlings borrow some of our ideas? We'll believe they love us and want us to be happy when we see Bill Dance's show airing in prime time. But what about borrowing from other conference networks? Let us look to the brave pioneers of the BTN, and the straightforwardly-named program "Step Into My Office," in which "Mike Hall goes inside the office of the Big Ten’s top football coaches for a revealing, exclusive one-on-one conversation." The SEC is characterized by nothing so much as a deplorable excess of personality; any such show in God's Chosen Conference would need to be adapted on a team-by-team basis. A modest list of suggestions follows after the jump:

• I Would Ask You To Step Into My Office But I Have Lost Control Of The Door, with Coach Mark Richt

• Do Not Step Onto My Greens, with Coach Steve Spurrier

• Step Into My Hat, with Coach Les Miles

• Step Onto This Nondescript Platform That Most Certainly Does Not Have The Capacity To Disappear From Beneath Your Feat, Plummeting You Into A Pit Of Petulant Piranhas, Unless Perhaps You Are A Grayshirt, with Coach Nick Saban

• Step Into My Office, Unless You'd Rather Settle, with Coach James Franklin

• Step Into My -- yes, we're related; no, Oklahoma is not interested in offering you a scholarship at this time, with Coach Mark Stoops

• Mind Your Step, We Have Cows Here, with Coach Dan Mullen